Many people associate Mormons with our health code i.e. no tobacco, alcohol, drugs, etc. Those are the biggies (the addictive ones) and they’re pretty black-and-white.

While certainly devout, Jamie and I aren’t what I’d consider zealots. But there are a few grey areas when it comes to another contraband substance: “hot drinks.” These are generally interpreted to mean stimulants such as coffee and non-herbal teas. Since I don’t like any of ‘em, this has never been an issue for me. Until recently.

I was blissfully stuffing my face with my favorite new breakfast, Kashi’s Heart to Heart cereal, when Jamie queried,

“Are you sure you should be eating this?”
“Why not?”
“It has green tea listed on the ingredients.”
“I’m sure it’s baked out.”
“Tea does not bake out.”
“Sure it does. Besides, how’s that different from when we eat something that has the alcohol cooked out?”
“I repeat: it does not bake out and it is not the same thing. So, what’s next? Marijuana muffins?”
“Just so long as I don’t inhale.”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

In honor of yesterday’s post, here’s an oldie but a goody. I like to call it
“Hadley reveals her true thoughts about her parents….”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

I am not against using a pacifier. It was one of the only saving graces for surviving our first year with The Hurricane. However, it also became our downfall because she would drop the stupid thing. All Night Long. I spent more effort trying to plug her up than I would have if she just learned to self-soothe. She also became so addicted that her withdrawals were like dealing with a little cocaine addict. The whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. A bad plastic kinda taste.

I have been losing the Binky Wars at our house. Bode really hasn’t taken to it like Haddie, which makes me inclined to just skip out all together. Jamie and my parents, however, have been trying to stuff that thing in his mouth at the first squawk he makes.

During a discussion on the matter last week, Jamie revealed his true intentions. Y’see at the time, I was camping out in Bode’s room at night. You know. Before I was “generously” invited back into our bedroom to start on baby #3. Yeah, right. Anyhew, the conversation:

Me: “I just don’t think it’s worth it. He’s not nearly as fussy as Haddie and we’ll just have to put it back in his mouth over and over again.”

Jamie: “Just to reiterate, who is going to put the binky back in his mouth?”

Me: “I am, since I’m sleeping in his room right now.”

Jamie: “Exactly. And that’s why I think we should do it.”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

I know I’m a minority in the female persuasion by saying that I hate shopping. Always have. I blame a mall-obsessed mother who used to drag me around for hours. To this day, I cannot enter a fabric store without getting hives.

And so guess what my mother wanted to do within 24 hours of arriving at our house this weekend? Yep, you guessed it. While I enviously watched the men drive up to the mountains to hike, I was stuck on estrogen duty thumbing through clothing racks of clothes that no longer fit. Talk about fun.

Chaos ensued the morning we were supposed to meet my mother-in-law (another shopper..AWK..I’m surrounded!) Not only did it take my beloved high-maintenance mother three hours to get ready (a new record), but Bode threw an all-time fit and Hadley locked herself in the bathroom.

Sensing I was about to be committed to the psych ward (did I mention I only got three hours of sleep?) Mom gave me an out and offered Super Target as an alternative to the mall (one I would have gladly taken.) But I blame Hadley when she proclaimed: “No Super Target. MALL!” Unfortunately, she has the shopping gene. I just hope Bode is on my side.

I won’t expound upon the shopping trip. Just know that we were there for a couple of hours. And hit only two stores. Yes, people: that means I was in each store for one entire hour. Did you know one hour is enough time for a Hurricane to completely dismantle everything in her wake?

I’m ashamed to say that I left my mother there. At the mall. No, don’t think ill of me. She had plenty of food and water to last for weeks. Plus, my MIL offered to take her around, an offer I strongly encouraged my mother to take. Y’see, I know I can’t be very fun to shop with because if I hate shopping with me, why would anyone else enjoy it?

Oh well. At least Bode’s baby blessing went well (the reason why the entire clan was in town the first place). Well, if you don’t count Hadley’s little bout of projectile vomit moments before we got started. After that little episode and the inevitable disasters that will likely ensue the next couple of weeks while my Murphy’s Law family is in town, maybe the mall ain’t so bad after all…

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

The other night while I was bathing Haddie, I called out to Hunky Hubby to strip Bode down for his bath. A couple of minutes later, I heard a resounding “Uhhhh ohhhhh” from the bedroom. He casually called out to me:

“Hey Amber, I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Well, he didn’t do it on my side of the bed….”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

A few random, disconnected updates today.

1) Bode’s two-week appointment was yesterday and he checked out maaaavelously. Not only has he regained what he lost in the hospital, but The Slug (as he became known) has already gained half an ounce. Good to know these explosive mammaries are good for something. He also showed early signs of genius when he spoke his first three words. Vehemently. His profundities occurred when they stuck a needle in his foot and he screeched “WORST! PAIN! EVER!” Poor kid. He even included the exclamation marks in his statement.

2) I am enjoying having a boy more than I ever imagined. Admittedly, I had an aversion to getting peed on and boys, as you know, aim and fire. But I am indulging his feminine side in a way that would make Hunky Hubby cringe: by putting Vaseline on his little lips and lotion on his legs. And there isn’t any kicking and screaming. In fact, I think he kind of likes it and assures me it is absolutely no threat to his manhood. Unlike other men I know.

3) A parent is proud of their child under different circumstances during their lives: their first day of kindergarten, their first ‘A’ in school, their first goal in soccer. I reached one of these milestones with Hadley the other day when Jamie was coughing away, coughing without covering his mouth.

The Hurricane walked up to him, put her arm up to her mouth and did a fake cough to demonstrate how to politely do it. She then attempted to cover Jamie’s mouth with his arm. When he stubbornly refused, she grabbed every single one of her stuffed animals and showed Daddy how they do it. FYI, Big Bird was the only one whose arm/wing was not long enough to cover his mouth. Just in case you were wondering. I always suspected he was lacking in social graces.

4) Thanks for all the advice on the explosive mammaries. I went the cabbage leaves route and they have worked wonders. The only drawback is that after a few hours when they’ve appropriately molded to said mammaries, they start to, well, mold. I’m trying to get beyond the stench and have to put a pillow on my chest whilst sleeping. Because I just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have any sleep issues.

Also, I’m not sure what’s more offensive. When I first put them on and Hunky Hubby told me he suddenly had a craving for coleslaw or the fact that he now calls me his little sauerkraut.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

I have always believed in the power of prayer but this testimony has been reconfirmed the past couple of days.

Case study #1: The other night after feeding Bode at 3:30 a.m., he started fussing when I went back to bed. I said a quick prayer: “Dear Lord, if you don’t want me to be a crazed lunatic who cries because the laundry hasn’t been put away for two days, please let this kid sleep.” And do you know what? He stopped immediately. I guess that means I have to put away the laundry now….

Case study #2: I’m a bit ashamed about this one. Y’see, yesterday was supposed to be my first day alone with the kids but it didn’t happen. Why? Because I prayed my husband home. Yep, the night before I prayed I’d get some help and lo-and-behold, Jamie woke up sick for his first day back on the job. Of course, I would never pray ma honey sick. Unless I knew he’d be exceedingly helpful, of course.

Case study #3: This is the one where I learned that I control even the elements through my great faith. Several years ago when I worked as a publicist in the ski industry, I had the opportunity to participate in SkiUtah’s infamous Interconnect Adventure Tour. This tour offers the advanced skier the chance to ski often treacherous backcountry routes through five resorts in a single day for $150. Why would I submit myself to such a crazy thing? Simple: I had the opportunity to do it for free.

Photo: skiing Tahoe in non-powder conditions
I have been skiing since I was 5 years old but to put it mildly, backcountry powder skiing just ain’t my forte so I rented some “revolutionary” backcountry skis to help. In the beginning, I had some minor difficulties balancing my weight on my new skis. I fell quite a few times but overall I was doing pretty well. Doing well, that is, until I actually had to leave the summit. Though not pretty, I did manage to make it down the test run, after which time the instructors separated the wheat from the tares (meaning those of us who sucked and those who didn’t.)

I was labeled a borderline tare: one who was a strong enough skier to complete the tour but who would probably be miserable because of the harsh backcountry conditions that day. I opted to stay onboard, primarily because there were some weaker than I but mostly because I was the only female left.

As we boarded the van, I noticed all of my fellow borderline tares were gone. And suddenly, so was my comfort zone. I subsequently did what I do best in such situations: I panicked. After a few minutes, I resolved I was accomplishing nothing by stressing out so I prayed for the biggest blizzard Mother Nature could muster up.

Sound a bit crazy? I am not one of little faith when my butt is on the line. As we rounded the bend, a freak snowstorm miraculously blew threw. A few minutes later, the guides canceled the trip for fear of avalanche danger in the backcountry.

The moral of these stories?

Never underestimate the “powder” of prayer….

AMEN.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

I am dreading tomorrow. Jamie goes back to work and I will be left alone with The Children. Two of them. It doesn’t sound like a lot until you have one screaming to be fed and another dialing Child Services and reporting she has been neglected. For two whole minutes. A fate no kid should have to suffer.

It doesn’t help that Bode finally woke up from his sluggish state. He thankfully still sleeps a good block of the night but during the day, he likes to cry. A lot. Rumor has it this is what babies do. However, he still does not even come close to The Hurricane’s 4-hour-long tantrums so I’m trying to keep things in perspective. But hormones + a toddler + a newborn + 100-degree temps= an extreme lack thereof.

Hunky Hubby addressed what the real issue is in his latest blog entry: I am a crappy sleeper. I have been since I graduated from college. It was my first job as The Craaaaazy Canuck snow reporter that ruined me forever. Y’see, I had to get up at 3:30 a.m. to compile all the snow conditions and was on-air by 5:30 a.m. I was so paranoid I would sleep in that I barely slept a wink. Because the world would undoubtedly come to an end if it didn’t know that Park City had a 120-inch base. To overcome my paranoia, I finally had to start sleeping with two alarm clocks, a habit I couldn’t break for years.

Having a baby when you have sleep issues is a large issue in itself. In the event that I, by some miracle, actually fall asleep in a timely manner, I am unable to fall back asleep when awoken by aforementioned baby.

My first night in the hospital after I had Bode was the worst. Not because of him (he slept most of the time) but because of my neurosis. Y’see, there was a clock on the wall. And it ticked. All night long. I think I finally smashed it around midnight but that didn’t solve my next obstacle: my vibrating bed. Every time I’d start to nod off, I’d be awoken by that stupid bed, which pulsated every couple of minutes. In my post-labor/delusional state, I’d initially envision I was at some kinky sex motel. But then I’d remember it was sex that got me in this condition in the first place and the novelty would wear off. I finally pulled the plug at 3 a.m. Of the bed. I got in trouble the next day from the nasty nurses but I didn’t care, rebel that I am.

Jamie and I decided that I would sleep in Bode’s room those first weeks. We made the mistake of bringing Haddie into our bedroom and neither of us ever slept so it only made sense that the person who doesn’t sleep anyway should do the night shift.

However, Jamie had a change of heart the other day and told me I should just sleep in our bedroom and turn the baby monitor on. I was touched by his sensitivity, with his intuitiveness about how exhausted I was sleeping in that uncomfortable bed. Until he gave his reasoning:

“After all, how are we ever going to start on baby #3?”

Suddenly, Bode’s room never looked so good.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

Let me get something straight: I am madly in love with my husband. He is thoughtful, caring, spiritual, successful, intelligent and hard working. I would never use my blog as a venting outlet against him. I don’t have to; I am rarely angry or even frustrated with him. Yep, he is just that nice and easy going.

However, he is also The King of One-Liners. You wouldn’t suspect such a killer sense of humor upon meeting him. But in time, hilarity and sarcasm seep out. Hilarity that keeps me laughing every day. Those one-liners have been a major source of my blogging content. Truthful content. With no intent to harm or slander.

That said, I am incredulous that yesterday’s post about milking m@mmaries inspired him to start his own blog. A blog in defence of husbands everywhere. A blog that “Exposes the Truth Behind the Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck.” http://crazycanucktruth.blogspot.com/

And so all I can say is this: proceed with caution. And to my beloved Hunky Hubby, I say this:

When I ask you to load the clothes in the dryer, I also assume you will know that includes actually turning the dryer on as well.

Let the games begin,
XOXO
Amber

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog