And so it begins

The Johnson Family’s Sixth Annual Giant Pumpkin Season kicked off on April 15 with much excitement and fanfare.

Well, as much fanfare as you can muster when soaking a pumpkin seed in water, filing it down, placing it in a moistened paper towel and transferring it into a pot with bacteria-rich soil.

A few weeks ago Cheerleader Jamie sat the family down to watch Rise of the Giants, a (you guessed it), documentary about growing giant pumpkins.

One of the men in the video said something like, “Yep, my wife knows she’s played second best to my pumpkins for the last 20 years.”

I pointedly glared at Jamie.

“Look on the bright side, Amber. You only have 14 years to go.”

The Shower Shimmy Says “Good Morning America!”

Since Jamie and I agreed to help our rockstar friend Karla Call launch her invention the Shower Shimmy on Kickstarter last month, it has been one wild ride. From media coverage to blogger campaigns to wading through the deluge of potential distributors to meeting her fundraising goal on day 1, it is apparent people are ready for the world’s first 3-in-1 shower cleaning tool with environmentally-friendly cleaning solution.

And why wouldn’t they be? When I look at all the inventions out there, the Shower Shimmy is such a no-brainer, why has this not been invented before? I absolutely love mine and that is really saying something because I normally despise cleaning my shower.

Good Morning America contacted Karla last month about potentially appearing on their segment “Shark Tank Your Life” to pitch her product to one of Shark Tank’s investors. It was a frenzied few days as she submitted a video, which the producer loved but she was ultimately not chosen.

On Monday, she received the news from Good Morning America that they want her to appear on Friday morning! I’m crazy nervous for her but regardless of how the segment turns out, she is receiving millions of dollars worth of free exposure.

Ever the good friend, my best advice I gleaned from my own national TV experience with Jamie on NBC’s “The Marriage Ref?”

Don’t go up against the Great Pumpkin. You will always lose.

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It ain’t over ’til it’s…wait. It’s never over.

Lest you think giant pumpkin growing season is over, you would be wrong. Jamie still gazes longingly at the pumpkin patch, obsesses about which seeds to grow and what names he’ll give his pumpkins.

I can guarantee he never put as much thought into naming our children.

Side note: Once upon a time, I had a co-worker with the two most darling kids named Hadley and Geoffry (Geo for short). I decided then and there I would swipe those names and informed Jamie of that fact shortly after we were married. His response:

“I’m fine with Hadley but no son of mine is being named after a crap car.”

OK, then.

(See how Bode got his name here).

Several months ago, I was bombarded with emails and Facebook alerts from friends informing me that Rise of the Giants, a feature documentary following the 2013 race to grow the world’s largest pumpkin, was being released in Utah. I’m sure Jamie had dreams of seeing it but alas, the movie commute was a bit long.

Enter last week: I heard his “whoop!” of delight as he raced in from the mailbox to show me this DVD that had arrived in the mail:

We’ll just call it “How the Pumpkin Man Survives the Off-season.”

Merry Christmas!

If you read my blog, our annual holiday newsletter is old news to you. But I assure you, Fat Kitty has never looked better.

Merry Christmas!

If 2014 could be summed up quickly, it would be non-stop travels for the first six months and the other six were spent recovering with little/no travels. We’re so grateful for both and most importantly that we have had minimal health crises this year and no hospital visits (wood is currently being knocked).

Our year was unprecedented for travel and will likely never be repeated but what a blast we had! I attended a media event in Denver for the Maui Convention & Visitor’s Bureau and was thrilled when I won a trip for two! The coincidence? The only other time I’ve been to Hawaii was when my dad won a trip for two to Hawaii through work. Fortunately for my siblings and our kids, we let them tag along and truly fell in love with that island paradise as it was our favorite trip ever (see all the fun here)and I’m now moderately obsessed with buying a cabin there someday.

Just as we were recovering from Maui, I was asked to attend the Disney Social Media Moms, an invite-only, highly-sought-after conference at Disneyland so we decided to splurge. And Disneyland isn’t the same without family so we surprised the kids by waking them up the morning of our departure. For once, they did not complain about being woken up early.

One of our favorite ways to play is skiing and this past year we’ve been to Breckenridge, Steamboat Springs, Crested Butte, Copper Mountain and Park City Mountain Resort...and have many more ski trips planned for 2015. One of our favorite experiences was dog sledding for the first time in Breck!

And, of course, the kids and I spent our month-long vacation in Canada and the Western United States. Jamie joined us for a week at the lake with my family in Vernon, B.C. and we had a fantastic time boating. Usually our Canadian adventures are a reprieve from Denver’s searing heat so we won’t comment how it was actually cooler in Denver during our lake retreat.

Now, onto family matters.

Hadley (age 10, fifth grade)

Hadley grew leaps and bounds this year…literally. Her huge growth spurt over the summer launched her to the top of the class in height and continues to send us scrambling to replace all her clothes, which is challenging because she hates 99% of what she sees in the store. She has a wicked sense of humor and a large group of friends at church and school. She hates math and piano and enjoys handwork, travel, art, violin, pumpkin growing (hers weighed 401 pounds), Minecraft and crafts. Her favorite class trip ever was a three-day class camping trip to the Great Sand Dunes National Park where she was the second-fastest kid to summit the highest dune in North America (a bit perplexing because she’s always the first-slowest when it comes to leaving the house). For volleyball, we bumped her up to play with the 6-8 graders and she has had no problems keeping up the big girls. She’s a mountain goat hiker and is ready to be challenged on the big peaks (we just need to get our act together to take her), is moderately obsessed with bouldering and is constantly heckling the rest of us to keep up with her during her crazy traverses. She’s a great skier, is learning to tackle the moguls and we had a fabulous mother-daughter trip to the slopes in February during her school break. She loves the water and, despite her protests to try wakeboarding, popped up on her first try and now does it like a champ. Though she and Bode would never admit it, they’re besties and play wonderfully together 93 percent of the time; no comment on the other 7 percent nor who is the instigator for the fall-outs.

Bode (age 8, 3rd grade)

Bode’s big news is he got baptized in August surrounded by both sets of grandparents. He’s a happy, kind and thoughtful kid who has two emotions: joyful (most of the time) and sensitive (usually during the aforementioned fall-outs). He’s a whiz at math and a regular receiver of “Star Awards” at school yet has barely legible handwriting. He is recovering from an addiction to Calvin and Hobbes and Clash of Clans and he thrives on being responsible–he even sets his alarm early for school so he can be “extra-prepared.” For his eighth birthday, we threw him a surprise party where we hired Rolling Video Games Denver to come to the house and we invited all his friends for a two-hour video game marathon that was deemed “the best party ever.” He’s intrinsically more cautious than his sister but battled his fears and did an awesome job wakeboarding, cross-country skiing and a high-ropes course for the first time. Named after Bode Miller, he continues to rock the ski slopes and went on one of his first mogul run last week. When I asked him it was terrifying, he confessed, “A little bit,” and I can’t blame him because I sometimes feel the same way. He plays the piano non-stop, enjoyed growing his 325-pound pumpkin, loves Cub Scouts and is gearing up for his first Pinewood Derby where it will be revealed just how competitive his father really is. Bode went on his first six-day overnight camp to Camp Chief Ouray with Hadley last summer and had the time of his life. As smart as he is, he still puts his shirt on backwards but loves to snuggle up so I’m relieved he’s not growing up too fast, even if he sometimes acts like a responsible 40-year-old man in an 8-year-old body.

Jamie

The Pumpkin Man had his his worst pumpkin-growing year ever and lost both of his plants to yellow vine disease in August. Despite that setback, he was able to preserve one of them long enough to make it to the scale and it topped 500 pounds. We were sad we wouldn’t have a real giant pumpkin to display so rescued his buddy Joe’s from being axed and it just happened to be the biggest grown in Colorado this year. Jamie had a blast taking the pumpkins around to the area schools and had a ton of media interviews–he was even featured front page on The Denver Post’s YourHub. But his most memorable pumpkin moment was when he decided it would be fun to dress up as The Pumpkin Man, hide inside the pumpkin, and terrorize trick-or-treaters on Halloween. Fortunately no law suits were filed and we only had one casualty when he made Spiderman cry (watch the hilarious video here). His web development business continues to add more people to the team and we’re grateful business is growing (unfortunately so do his stress levels). At church, he’s the Stake Technology Clerk and the Priest’s Quorum Adviser but most importantly, a wonderful husband, father and mortal enemy to superheroes.

Amber

As for me, I continue to juggle trips, kid’s activities and working from home. I’ve taken over the business/advertising side of Mile High Mamas, which has confirmed I’d much rather be writing. And traveling. And hiking or skiing. But unfortunately, I haven’t figured out how to make much money from those exploits so in the interim I’ll just dream of more playtime. I’ve become more of a regular contributor on 9News and have done segments on everything from travel tips to Halloween treats to their ugly sweater Christmas party on Friday. I was released as the Primary pianist at church and am on my way out the door for Public Affairs as I’ve been called as an Akela of the Cub Scout Bear Den. I am also an aspiring dodgeball player and if this writing gig doesn’t work out, I hope to go pro in the future.

Fat Kitty

Fat Kitty is the only serious one in the family. In addition to napping for 23 hours a day, he enjoys decapitating the occasional mouse, eating grass until he pukes and annoying Jamie. He also decided to get in shape this year and his favorite exercise is a cross between a lunch and a crunch.

Some people call it lunch.

Christmas Wishes

This time of year, we’re especially grateful for our many friends, family and for our our Savior. Have the happiest of Christmases is our Christmas wish and gift to you!

 

Love,

The Johnsons

Woman Giant Pumpkin Growers: They’re Not All Murderers

Jamie recently had his Rocky Mountain Giant Vegetable Growers Group Christmas breakfast. He looks forward to their socials and is very secretive about what happens there.

“So, how was your meeting today?”

“Good.”

Did anything exciting happen?”

“No.”

It’s like talking to a teenager.

He did, however come home with a nice token from the day–a gift box filled with homemade toffee and fudge.

“Who is Annmarie?”

“She’s one of the growers.”

I paused to contemplate this information. The giant pumpkin growing community is 98 percent male and some of the female growers I’ve seen on TV have been a bit on the sketchy side. Case in point: the sordid case of  giant pumpkin grower Debra Sundstrom who murdered her husband and they found his body three years later moldering inside a barrel 25 paces from the back door of their old farmhouse.

You can’t make this stuff up.

“So, this Annmarie was so thoughtful that she brought holidays treats to everyone in the grower’s group? Isn’t that nice.”

Grunt.

“So, did any of the male growers bring something to share?”

“We bring seeds. And we share them. That is what we do.”

Here’s for hoping Annmarie brings a touch of class and not craziness to them all.

 

Lest you thought pumpkin season was over

Last week, the Pumpkin Man’s good buddy Joe came over during lunchtime.  As I tried to work upstairs, I eavesdropped on them talking potassium/nitrogen levels, soil testing and giant pumpkin seed genetics.

It was like the most boring playdate ever.

I posted about it on Facebook and one of his pumpkin growing buddies interjected:

“Oh he should be talking about Purses and Shoes, as that is more exciting.”

Me: “Never in my life have I ever talked about purses or shoes or clothes.”

Him: “OK, Amber. How about scrapbooking and crafts. There has to be a subject that totally bores Jamie.”

Me: “Who talks about scrapbooking and crafts? I think you’re confusing me with a girl.”

Touché, my friends.

An Early Thanksgiving of Spoons, Scum and Pumpkin Dictators

Since my parents are in town and we’re all heading different directions for Thanksgiving, we opted to do a premature Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday. I’m not a huge fan of the traditional meal but I figure I can suck it up once a year.

Plus, we added some really delicious offerings to our feast: smoked turkey and gravy, spiced cranberry and pear chutney, orange rolls, Jello-fruit salad, homemade apple and pumpkin pies, garlic mashed potatoes and my new favorite: Kelsey Nixon’s Sausage, Apple and Pear Stuffing with Cranberries.

Sorry, Jamie. Your jalapeno stuffing has been R-E-P-L-A-C-E-D.

Highlight: Dinner was, indeed served when the smoke alarm went off. No, nothing was burned but the timing was impeccable.

I blame it on all those turkey drippings.

We also introduced Jamie’s brother and sister to our Borowski family traditions of Spoons and Scum, which is notoriously competitive and borderline violine.

There were tears–like when Jamie wrestled his own son to the ground as they fought over a spoon.

There was stealing as I swooped in and triumphantly grabbed all the spoons, only to drop them back on the table as they dove in like a littler of ravenous puppies.

There were unbenevolent dictators, like when Jamie was the “King” in Scum and made the rule that anytime someone played a 6, they needed to proclaim “I love pumpkins.”

We all groaned as we collected our cards and I realized I didn’t have even one 6 in my hand.

It was like God was watching out for me that day.

A new dirty job for Mike Rowe and a disgusting pumpkin farewell

Whenever people see the Giant Pumpkin for the first time, they ask three questions:

“Is that thing real?”
Yep.

“How many pumpkin pies does it make?”
Dumb question. Next.

“What do you do with it?”
It sits on our driveway until Halloween and rots.

It’s not a pretty answer but it’s the truth.

The Saturday after Halloween, the Great Pumpkin had its final heyday as it was asked to be the guest of honor at Bode’s school’s pumpkin splat. The pumpkins are too big for the firetruck’s crane to lift but this year, kids loved climbing inside of the 1,292-pounder.

A free-falling pumpkin. Picture taken from by a firefighter on top of the crane

The event was a lot of fun and Jamie’s efforts were rewarded when the PTA sent him home with two leftover pizzas and a box of Dunkin’ Donuts. #WillGrowPumpkinsForFood

The only problem was after having so many kids inside the pumpkin, the bottom grew really soft and started rotting quickly. No problem! We’d cut it up and dispose of it right away.

But remember Jamie’s injuries after jumping out of the pumpkin all night?

He was hurting for days. And then it rained and we didn’t cover the pumpkin in time so it was a big mess.

Enter: Friday night. It was now then or never.

I’ve done a lot of things no woman should ever have to do with a pumpkin and that night was no exception. Jamie usually cuts them up himself but Bode, Hadley and I were recruited to help cut it up and load it into a dumpster.

At first, it my dream come true! The Pumpkin Widow was finally the lead singer in SMASHING PUMPKINS and I let out my years of pent-up frustration!

And then my dream became a nightmare. Once we finally cracked both pumpkins open with our shovels, the big one was a disgusting. We fastidiously cut off chunk after chunk.

And the bottom was a big, wet, gloopy rotting mess. At one point, I carved my shovel into the base and was rewarded with a fresh spray of pumpkin rot all down the front of me.

Add that to the list of things a Pumpkin Widow should never have to do.

 

Halloween in Denver and the skeleton’s slow, painful death

I shudder to think of the day when these kids of mine are too big to enjoy Halloween’s revelries. Then again, I’m practically ancient and whenever October rolls around, I’m like a kid again.

With gorgeous weather and many adventures, we had an absolute blast this October.

We had a “ball” at Heritage Square’s “Bootown.”


The zipline was fun but the kids deemed their new Rocky Mountain Ropes Course not-so fun.

American Ninja Warrior contenders they are not.

We spent an entire day at Elitch Gardens’ Fright Fest and took both kids to the scary haunted houses for the first time.

Fun fact from their marketing department: At least one creepy zombie “actor” gets punched every day from freaked-out patrons.

My good friend Jennie and her husband have been staying with us as they finalize their move to Colorado. Not only did they help us with the Giant Gourd of Horror as Jamie scared trick-or-treaters all night, Jennie did a bang-up job on Bode’s skeleton make-up. He was delighted no one recognized him!

Hadley went as the White Lady from The Hobbit and the kids had a blast hanging out with friends.

 

My favorite moment of the night (apart from The Pumpkin Man traumatizing the neighbors) was during the parade. Our neighborhood fire station generously hosts a party with loads of treas and a fire-truck-led parade.  Last year, Bode raced off with his friends but found himself alone at the end of it.

The kid has serious abandonment issues so you can imagine how well that turned out despite the fact he easily found his way home.

This year, I cautioned him to stay close to us but despite our best attempts, we couldn’t track down any of his buddies.

Enter: Witch Ashlee. I suspect she has had a crush on Bode since kindergarten because she positively melts when he’s around. She glommed onto him during the parade and would not let him leave her side.

I could tell he was dying inside to be walking next to a girl during the parade but being the nice guy that he is, he didn’t ditch her. I knew the moment that parade was over, he’d be outta there like a skeleton out of the closet.

As we were parting, Ashlee took a bold approach. Instead of going to Bode (which would have resulted in a blatant rejection), she very sweetly asked ME if he wanted to go trick-or-treating with her.

I gently turned her down by saying he’d rather die a slow, painful death he was already going with his friends.

But you’d better believe when he’s 16, I won’t be so nice.

The giant gourd of horror (and why our neighbors will never trust us again)

Our evil plan was hatched quite by accident. TaRhonda Thomas, a 9News reporter, interviewed my husband Jamie a.k.a. The Pumpkin Man last week. As a fun kicker to the end of the story, she decided to climb inside the 1,292-pound beast.

TaRhonda Thomas

TaRhonda Thomas

Though Jamie has been growing giant pumpkins for years, it’s the first time anyone ever climbed into it and Jamie shared an idea with me. “I could do that.” “What? Climb into the pumpkin in high heels?” “No, I could hide inside the pumpkin and scare people on Halloween.” When you grow The Giant Pumpkin, your house becomes a popular stop on Halloween but I was doubtful about turning it into a Little Shop of Horrors Giant Gourd of Horrors.

Undeterred, Jamie made assignments. My role was the cannibalistic witch in Hansel and Gretel as I lured our innocent victims with “do you want a picture with the pumpkin?” We recruited our friend Jared as the photographer while his wife Jenny handed out candy and gave the cue for Jamie to jump out.

The result? Hilarious.

We tried to pick on people we knew or older kids. What surprised me was just how many non-reactions there were because I can assure you I would have raced down the block kicking and screaming if he’d have jumped out at me. I mean, just look at the creeper posed inside the pumpkin prepared to launch.

Inside the pumpkin

Inside the pumpkin

pumpkinman2 Only the best reactions made it onto video so be sure to take a minute and watch it below or here:

The bunny and the man at the end were my favorites. :-) Many adults told us it was the highlight of the night and we had only one child who cried but his parents assured us little “Spider-Man” would recover quickly. He is, after all, a superhero. The next day, Jamie was not only sore from crouching down all night but badly bruised from jumping out. bruised But it was worth it and he brushed it off as “The sacrifices I make for my art.” If jumping out of a giant pumpkin is art, The Pumpkin Man is, indeed, an artist.