Happy Birthday to the Lord of the Gourds!

December 9, 2009 By

It’s Jamie’s 39th birthday today.

If you’re looking for some sappy post about how wonderful, amazing and perfect the love of my life is, look elsewhere.

He is, after all, the man who ditched me post-childbirth because he was sicker than a dog.


OK, so maybe I might have said, “You’re useless to me. Go home and get better.”

His work, after all, was done after the “difficult” task of conception.

Almost seven years into our marriage, I am continually amazed and humbled to be married to such a great guy. In this tough economy, he launched his own web development company and works his butt off to make it profitable. He is the king of the one-liners and makes me laugh every day. He’s had more medical issues than Job and often lives in chronic pain but rarely complains. He is always loving and supportive of my dreams. He likes The Children when I do not. And most importantly, he makes the world a lot brighter just by living in it.

Even if it is a blinding shade of orange.

His college buddy Todd recently told me that Jamie has a heart of gold and that I am married to one of his favorite people in the world.

I couldn’t agree with him more.

Happy birthday to my very own Lord of the Gourds!

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

As bad as it gets

November 10, 2009 By

Our church building is located on a large property with a beautiful grove of trees. People often hold wedding receptions there and church members are responsible for its maintenance. In the winter, we shovel. In the summer, we weed. And in the fall, we rake.

Leaves, in case you are not aware, are allegedly a great source of nutrients for some people’s pumpkin patches.

As we were leaving church on Sunday, the kids and I started walking to the car while Jamie made a beeline in the opposite direction. At first, I had no idea what he was doing.

And then I saw the bags of recently raked leaves in the garbage.

Me (beckoning across the parking lot): “Jamie, you are wearing your suit. Get out of that dumpster!!!!”

Friend Dawn who was walking by at the time: “Are things really that bad at home, Amber?”

Me: “You have no idea.”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

Pumpkin Lovers Unite (and indulge in my recipes)

October 26, 2009 By

With Halloween upon us, my family is in the throes of Everything Pumpkin. While Jamie may be obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin, I am consumed with eating it.

I’ve always liked pumpkin pie but my obsession did not begin until I was pregnant with my daughter. Mid-October, I called home to my Canadian family as they were enjoying their Thanksgiving dinner.

Without me. The nerve.

When my mom mentioned they were eating pumpkin pie, it was then something ugly was triggered in that pregnant lady brain. It’s tough to decipher but it was along the lines of this: Must. Eat. Pumpkin. NOW!

And I did. That very next day, my mother-in-law brought home one of Costco’s glorious pumpkin pies and it was gone within 48 hours.

I don’t even remember chewing; I think I must have inhaled it.

She shall hereby be known as The Enabler.

Most crazy pregnant ladies overcome their cravings but mine never went away. Fall is a trigger for eating pumpkin and my poor family has endured pretty much every pumpkin dish you can imagine.

Think I’m joking? I have made READ ON

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Humor, pumpkins

A happy ending to a sad, sad tale

October 14, 2009 By

The Johnson clan is FINALLY on the mend. Of course, we’re not fully recovered enough to go on an epic backpacking trip this weekend to Coyote Gulch with friends Dave and Rebecca that we have been planning for MONTHS.

Serious bummer.

We barely left the house all week but braved the cold and snow to attend our town’s scarecrow festival last Saturday. Like the mythical phoenix borne out of ashes, there was a happy ending to The Great Pumpkin Massacre of 2009. Haddie and Bode’s pumpkin didn’t have a leaf on it after the hail storm but it rebounded over the course of a month and Jamie finally got it to pollinate on August 31.

We only had about two weeks of good growing weather and Jamie cut it off the vine a few days before the competition. Or rather, I should say he dragged his sick family out in the cold and snow to witness the vine-cutting ceremony.

Because surely this momentous occasion could not have waited an extra hour for the snow to subside.


And The Great Phoenix Pumpkin’s final weight? 85.5 pounds. This is 0.5 pounds bigger than Haddie’s pumpkin last year with a growing season that was cut in half. It was starting to turn orange but was never on the vine long enough to fully convert. Some picture-perfect moments:


Father and daughter in their matching pumpkin geek hats:


Their pumpkin was the second biggest in the children’s division. Haddie and Bode received a ribbon and they took home a $30 gift certificate. For some families, their trophy case looks like this.

Sadly, this is only a small sampling of ours.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Family, Hadley, holidays, Jamie, pumpkins Tagged With:

The Great Pumpkin Weigh-off!

September 30, 2009 By

Whew, finally a spare moment after a crazy week that entailed being interviewed by CBS 4 Denver, riding in the Wienermobile and being an honorary homeschool mom at hilarious science dude Steve Spangler’s Halloween event for (you guessed it) homeschool moms. Basically, I learned how to blow up things.

Legally.

Last weekend was the weekend that wasn’t.

Friday would have been Jamie’s infamous pumpkin party: the time when we congregate and worship The Great Pumpkin before the ceremonial stem cutting, followed by the back-breaking process of hauling it out of the pumpkin patch.

I instead invited our dinner group over for a grilled pizza cook-off followed by New York Dolls on the big screen. It was a fun night but my beloved James was in mourning. He left early the next day to help his fellow Rocky Mountain Vegetable Growers unload their pumpkins at Jared Nursery’s big weigh-off.

And no, I did not ever think I would marry a man conjoined with such an organization.

I coached volleyball at the church and then later joined him with the kiddos. In years past, the pumpkins were the main draw but Jared’s beefed up the event to include jumpy castles (a.k.a. mosh pits for kids), a haunted house (that I had to endure eight times), and a hay maze (from which I’m still picking straw out of Haddie’s hair).

I was originally going to sell my famous pumpkin bread but opted out when Jamie’s pumpkin met its death. But I have plans for next year. Big plans. Plans that involve me buying this groovy wig(I’m saving my money now) and hawking my pumpkin wares.

Because I am not above exploiting The Great Pumpkin.

And no, I’m not kidding about the wig. I may even get a shirt made that says “Pumpkin Widow” to go with it.

The day turned out to be a lot of fun and a new state record was set: 1,282 pounds.

Jamie bought a new Sony Webbie and recorded his very first YouTube video with it. Be sure to stick around for the second half of the video. I promise the second song will make you laugh.

Note: Evidently YouTube does not like The Great Pumpkin. The first part of the video is black so try this link!

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Jamie, pumpkins

Feeding the Addiction

September 22, 2009 By

When a loved one has an addiction, it is easy to get sucked into their world. Sure, you know it is unhealthy for them but you just can’t refuse because you love them.

These people are called ENABLERS.

My friend Lisa shall hereby be called “The Enabler.”

Sure, I kinda owe her after a minor indiscretion that involved giving her lice. But that is nothing compared to what she did today when she sent my dear husband spiralling deeper into the world of addiction.

You see, Lisa and her husband flip or rent oodles of houses. Their latest purchase was a foreclosed townhouse. When they checked it out for the first time, they discovered it was a veritable mari*j*uana treasure trove of growing equipment. She called the cops who cleaned out a lot of the actual goods but she was left with all the paraphernalia.

And then she remembered my giant-pumpkin-obsessed husband and his makeshift greenhouse. She called Jamie and he was over there faster than Linus in his quest for The Great Pumpkin. He sheepishly walked into the door with this:


And this.


Oh, and what would a makeshift greenhouse be without this?


He claims the wattage on the latter item is too great for growing pumpkins and he has threatened to swap it out for a smaller one on Craigslist. You know. That one website where people come to your home to buy the item.

“THE ONLY LORD THAT I ALLOW IN OUR HOUSE IS JESUS!!” I proclaimed.

Evidently, one Drug Lord’s bust is another Pumpkin Grower’s dream.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of Crap

July 29, 2009 By

A note from The Lord of the Gourds regarding the outpouring of support for his now-dead pumpkin’s obituary:

THANK YOU.

Jamie had miraculously seen some signs of life even after the martyrdom but his dear pumpkins finally gave up the ghost yesterday and he cut them off the vine. (Click on the picture to see the extent of the hail-induced welts.)

If this was his pumpkin at only two weeks old, it’s a shame to imagine how big it would have grown a few months from now.

On a positive note, I am a pumpkin widow no more.

On a negative note, I now have a forlorned fella.

I just wish it could have ended differently along the lines of the Holy Ghost descending upon it and transfiguring it up to heaven.

No one wants to end this mortal existence by having the crap beaten out of you.

In other news, we have shifted from non-stop travel to being homebodies the next two weeks. The kids are enrolled in outdoor swim lessons.

During the only week it has been moderately chilly here in Denver this summer.

Hadley is doing great but I cannot stop laughing at Bode. He is a year younger and a foot shorter than everyone in his class. The first day, he followed along but had a “What the Crap” look on his face the entire time. Yesterday, he was “Chicken, Airplaning and Soldiering” with the best of them.


He is the albino on the right.

And I am the proud albino cheering him on from the sidelines.

Stay tuned next week for my updates on BlogHer and the Sara Lee Summit I attended in Chicago. Be sure to tell me how you’re spending the final weeks of summer!

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Bode, Jamie, pumpkins

R.I.P. Great Pumpkin

July 27, 2009 By

The unthinkable has happened: The Great Pumpkin never came.

Now, Jamie knows exactly how poor Linus felt in It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

There will be no pumpkin parties.

There will be no weigh-offs.

And I am officially calling off Halloween altogether because what’s the point?

Sniff.

This is the before:


And this is after the tornado that hit our house.


Read the sad details here and be sure to leave my dear, sweet Linus your condolences.

==============

Allow me to dispel a rumor: I did not cause the horrible storm that ravaged Denver last week.

A few so-called friends have accused me of praying it here so as to wipe out my husband’s pumpkin growing season. For those not in the know, I have been christened “The Pumpkin Widow” because I am married to a man who is obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin.

Or rather, a man who was obsessed because after Monday’s storm, I am sad to say that The Great Pumpkin is no more.

In my defense, my children and I were 65 miles away sunning ourselves on the deck at Devil’s Thumb Ranch.

Oh wait. The storm occurred at night. I think I just blew my alibi.

When I awoke the morning after, I was greeted with a series of increasingly despondent emails from my husband Jamie who had remained behind for work.

First, a picture of golf-ball-sized hail. Then another of our yard showing the accumulation. The final was the heart-breaker: his completely obliterated pumpkin patch. Hundreds of hours of soil-testing, fertilizer-obsessing that he lovingly documented on his pumpkin blog–gone in just a matter of minutes.

Our home was near the epicenter of the action and our entire yard was destroyed as well. Fortunately, our house was spared from major damage but many of our neighbors were not so lucky. My heart goes out to those who are still dealing with the aftermath.

Calm before the storm

Calm before the storm

Earlier that day, I had received a jubilant email from him stating that his pumpkin’s circumference was already 30 inches around, just two weeks after pollination. The Great Pumpkin was on the cusp of gaining 30-40 pounds per day and was on track to top 1,000 pounds (200 pounds more than his previous season).

Rest assured, The Great Pumpkin lived and died with greatness. And thus it was: The birth of a storm, the death of a dream.

With a moving obituary like that, you can’t say I wasn’t supportive.

Note: In lieu of flowers, please send pumpkin seeds. :-)

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Jamie, pumpkins

“P” is for Painful, Pumpkin and Patch

April 13, 2009 By

It is officially pumpkin season.

Of course, “pumpkin season” is year-round when you are married to a man who is obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin. From the moment Jamie cut his 755-pound pumpkin from the vine last year, his thoughts turned to his new patch. He stalked Craigslist and reacted faster than Pavlov’s dog whenever anyone offered free compost. He raised worms in our garage (after my adamant protest against our basement). He built a pumpkin genetics Web site and updated his pumpkin blog, took various soil tests, and swapped seeds with growers around the world.

Like I said: a year-round obsession.

As I already documented, I went into the children’s playroom in the basement a few weeks ago and noticed a strange glow coming from the closet. In a Poltergeist-esque manner, I threw open the door, only to discover a makeshift greenhouse he called “The Grow Room.”

Law enforcement officers: I can assure you that he is only growing test pumpkins.

At least that is his claim.

Our winter has not been without its share of drama such as when when he realized some compost he received had sodium levels high enough to render the patch toxic. Or when he lost our 2-year-old son at the pumpkin patch (or in his words: momentary misplaced.)

He is mere weeks away from planting his seeds. The culmination of all his efforts will be at the Rocky Mountain Giant Vegetable Growers weigh-off at the end of September where he hopes his pumpkin will tip the scale at over 1,000 pounds. The Colorado record is held by Wheat Ridge dentist Joe Sherber at 1,135 pounds.

Last year, we also attended our local harvest festival. We did not enter because 1) have you ever tried to repeatedly move a 755-pound pumpkin? 2) His pumpkin outweighed the winner by 400 pounds and would have broken their small scale.

Minor details.

Jamie did, however, capitalize on the situation. I was amused to see him distributing his pumpkin business cards (because evidently every giant pumpkin grower should have them). I may have some made up for myself this season as well:

Amber Johnson
Pumpkin Widow

Because misery is looking for company.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

Happy Birthday to Hunky Hubby!

December 9, 2008 By

It is ma honey’s birthday today. Some people would say that he puts up with a lot having me as his wife.

And they would be correct.

But it goes both ways.

He demonstrated his obsession during our recent annual gingerbread house decorating contest at Grandma’s. Oh wait. I forgot. Pacifist Grandma always corrects us that “this is all about family bonding and it is not a contest.”

Yeah, right.

Any guesses as to which house he decorated with Bode? Hint: The front yard is very telling.

1)

2)

3)

Happy birthday to my wonderful husband who is never boring.

Well, except for when he drones on and on about poultry compost, alfalfa meal, bone meal, green sand, humic acid, organic 10-5-5 fertilizer with calcium, tree leaves, elemental sulphur, peat moss and aluminum sulphate….

XOXOXXOXO
Amber

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: holidays, Humor, Jamie, pumpkins
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