Last week, we celebrated Aunt Lisa’s birthday and per her request, we met at Pei Wei for dinner. She tried to be in good spirits despite having one foot closer to the grave. But she was understandably bummed because her television had died that day and she can’t afford to replace it.

To try to cheer her up, I gave her a pick of fortune cookies and told her the one she chose would be indicative of the year she was going to have. I have great faith in these little cookies of wisdom. Once upon a time when I was single, I was having a rough day, went to the store, bought an entire box of fortune cookies and ate them all.

I felt moderately ill afterward but was I ever bolstered up by all the well-wishes.

As I assured Lisa that this cookie was going to prophesy that this was going to be HER year, she opened it. The inspirational counsel? “Don’t be tempted to spend money.”

Her year is gonna suck.

We returned to our house where we stuffed her full of 12 mini-cheesecakes from glorious Cheesecake Therapy and presented her with her present from the entire family. So as not to give false expectations, I wrote on the card:

“THIS IS NOT A TV.”

But a pink camera is pretty darn cool.

Jamie had his own ideas for the celebration. He gave us his puppy-dog eyes and said we all needed to go to The Pumpkin Patch. Truth be told, I haven’t been there in a month. He is growing his pumpkins on our neighbor’s property and has to hop two fences to get there. And so we drove.

He is growing two Giants that he measures morning and night. He obviously cannot put them on a scale so he guesstimates their size by measuring their circumference. One of them has already exceeded his previous year’s 755-pound mark and he still has over 30 days of growing until the competition.

See those huge posts and hail netting? They took him weeks to build.

Some pictures defy words but this one?

It reveals that his pumpkin is indeed his second wife.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

We interrupt our regularly-scheduled travelogues of our glorious trip to the San Juan Marriott in the Puerto Rico to bring you The Great Pumpkin updates.

For those new to this blog, my husband Jamie is O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D with growing The Great Pumpkin. Just the other night, I was reprimanded for running out of bleach. Now, if the dear man was waxing ambitious and helping with the laundry that would be one thing.

But the bleach is to help kill bacteria on The Great Pumpkin’s vines.

Don’t be shocked. I’ve become acclimated to compost tea, fish, seaweed and blood meal concoctions gurgling on my front porch.

And the latest measurements of the beast? Approximately 358 pounds with a 111″ circumference and it is gaining approximately 25 pounds per day.

The sport of giant pumpkin-growing (yes, they consider it a sport) is dominated by men but last year, Ohioan Christy Harp came out of left field to clinch the world record with a pumpkin that weighed 1,725 pounds.

She is doing amazing things for women’s libbers.

Soon thereafter, she announced she was pregnant and would not be defending her title. However, she has still continued to grow just for fun. Jamie sent me this little gem yesterday. Remember Anne Geddes’ famous baby pictures?

This is a giant pumpkin-grower’s version.

Pray for that child.

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© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

Last week, yet another gargantuan hail storm hit our house (go here to see last year’s massacre). I had numerous phone calls and emails from friends who were concerned to see if The Great Pumpkin survived.

This is evidence that he is making everyone as obsessed as he is.

We have two different patches because really, doesn’t everyone?

Jamie is growing his pumpkins on our neighbor’s lot behind our house. The kids’ pumpkin is located adjacent to our fence. Jamie spent umpteen hours protecting his pumpkins from potentially fatal storms by installing poles to hold the hail netting. Here is how they fared during the storm:

After the storm.

The hail netting held up and for the most part, his pumpkins were unscathed.

But the children’s pumpkin that he did not protect with hail netting?

Think drowned rat.

The vines will eventually bounce back but for now, there is mourning at the Johnson house.

Jamie continues to toil relentlessly in the patch and I continue to relentlessly mock him. Lest you think I am not supportive, welp, you would be only partially correct. I am supportive within reason. An hour in the patch a day is not a big deal. Sometimes he even spends two and I’m OK with that.

But entire weekends where you spend more time with the pumpkin than your family? A big deal.

Last week, Jamie was in the pumpkin patch with our neighbor and bishop. Jamie mentioned to him how I was giving him a hard time about the many hours he had just spent installing his hail netting.

As they were chatting, an airplane with a sky ad trailing behind circled overhead. They strained to read the message and Jamie joked, “Does it say anything about growing big pumpkins? That could be my sign.”

As the plane turned, the message (which was likely from the pothead mari*juana dispensaries that have taken over Denver) was revealed:

“Grow it up.”

Now, the argument is regarding from whom “The Sign” was given.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

Pumpkin season has begun.

Jamie announced last Sunday that our FHE activity for Monday night would be planting the pumpkin seeds.

Three of the four of us were excited.

I will let you guess who among us was not.

I psyched myself out for the pilgrimage to the pumpkin patch for the ceremonial planting. But silly me for assuming that planting means putting the seed into the ground. No, my friends, the Lord of the Gourds had a long, drawn-out plan in the following steps:

1) Sanded the edges of the seeds then soaked the seeds in warm water for 2 hours with a touch of liquid seawood.

But of course, adding the liquid seawood is a no-brainer that you already knew.

2) Took warm and damp paper towel and wrapped it around the seed and put it in an area that is 85-90 degrees. He did this for two reasons: a) He could check to see if the tap roots had come out, which means it’s germinated and b) He can control the moisture that is in contact with the seed. The seed responds well to the paper towel because it actually thinks the paper towel is dirt.

Evidently, pumpkins are more stupid than I thought.

3) Once the tap roots have come out, it is put in seed-starting soil. Jamie will keep it in a warm, well-lit area (read: sketchy grow room) until it is time to plant outdoors late-April. And even then, he will build a hoop house around it to protect his precious plant until the elements warm up

This is the road just to get it in the ground.

Pray for me when pumpkin season officially begins.

Be sure to following Jamie at DenverPumpkins.com for the technical how-tos. If you’re just tuning into the saga, Jamie is obviously obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin. Find out how it began in Sordid Secrets and the Husbands Who Keep Them.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog