Grumpy Old Woman

October 21, 2009 By

Mom Canuck always said if you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.

Which is why I’m not saying much this week.

I had to postpone Haddie’s annual Halloween bash because this plague is still leveling me and I haven’t slept in days.

Does bronchitis feel like death? If so, I think I’m suffering from both.

Speaking of death, we were sad to hear of the passing of our friend (and bishop) Darrin’s grandfather. Of course, he was likely in his late 80s and such a passing is to be celebrated. Since Jamie and I have been so near death the past few weeks, we discussed our ideal age to meet the grave.

Me: “I want to live until I’m 89. Only if I’m healthy, of course.”

Jamie: “No way. 85 tops.”

Me: “Yeah, you’re right. You’re going to be a grumpy old man.”

Jamie (glaring at me): “I wonder why.”

========================

On another note: what do you do when you’re bored out of your mind and can’t sleep all night?

The Monster Mash, of course.

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Note: Family Member #5 is the kitty that will be joining our family next week. That’s blog fodder just waiting to happen.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Health, holidays, Humor, Jamie Tagged With:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

October 20, 2009 By

So, we’re still sick. Jamie’s hospital X-rays finally came back, disproving the pneumonia theory and likely pointing in the direction of H1N1. Fortunately, we’ve survived the worst and are no longer I-can’t-drag-my-body-out-of-bed kinda sick but more like the walking dead. We’re back in school and life and are no longer contagious but the lingering cough and fatigue are pretty darn miserable.

Plus, we’ve been busy helping my in-laws pack for their big move next week, which ain’t exactly helping in the Rest and Recovery process.

Of course life with The Children is never dull, especially when you have Hadley around who is the very antithesis of boring. While snuggled up before bedtime, we had the following conversation.

Me: I want to hear the best and worst things that happened to everyone today.

Jamie: The worst thing that happened to me was when Hadley ate my ice cream.

Me: Oh. Anyone else?

Hadley: My best thing was when I ate Daddy’s ice cream.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Hadley, Jamie

A happy ending to a sad, sad tale

October 14, 2009 By

The Johnson clan is FINALLY on the mend. Of course, we’re not fully recovered enough to go on an epic backpacking trip this weekend to Coyote Gulch with friends Dave and Rebecca that we have been planning for MONTHS.

Serious bummer.

We barely left the house all week but braved the cold and snow to attend our town’s scarecrow festival last Saturday. Like the mythical phoenix borne out of ashes, there was a happy ending to The Great Pumpkin Massacre of 2009. Haddie and Bode’s pumpkin didn’t have a leaf on it after the hail storm but it rebounded over the course of a month and Jamie finally got it to pollinate on August 31.

We only had about two weeks of good growing weather and Jamie cut it off the vine a few days before the competition. Or rather, I should say he dragged his sick family out in the cold and snow to witness the vine-cutting ceremony.

Because surely this momentous occasion could not have waited an extra hour for the snow to subside.


And The Great Phoenix Pumpkin’s final weight? 85.5 pounds. This is 0.5 pounds bigger than Haddie’s pumpkin last year with a growing season that was cut in half. It was starting to turn orange but was never on the vine long enough to fully convert. Some picture-perfect moments:


Father and daughter in their matching pumpkin geek hats:


Their pumpkin was the second biggest in the children’s division. Haddie and Bode received a ribbon and they took home a $30 gift certificate. For some families, their trophy case looks like this.

Sadly, this is only a small sampling of ours.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Family, Hadley, holidays, Jamie, pumpkins Tagged With:

The truth: revealed

October 13, 2009 By

So, I’m curious to hear what your experiences with Parent-Teacher Conferences have been?

I am meeting with Hadley’s beloved kindergarten teacher today for our first meeting. I’m not sure of what to expect but am not too worried because Hadley is shockingly well behaved in the classroom. She only ever had one *incident* in preschool.

And then she suffered Abuse By Carbs.

When I scheduled the appointment, I mentioned it to Jamie.

Me: You should come to Hadley’s Parent-Teacher Conference with me.

Jamie: I’m not taking the blame.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Hadley, Humor, Jamie

Les Miserables, Denver Style

October 7, 2009 By

So, we’re sick.

If I had a $1 for every time I started a blog post with that, I would be a wealthy woman. About four weeks ago, I had a cold for a few days. Jamie caught it from me and has battled it ever since.

The kicker was when he went to Oregon last weekend for (what else) a pumpkin weigh-off. The day he flew home, I cooked, I cleaned, I doted on his children. I was the ultimate 1950s housewife waiting to greet him wearing a frilly apron and with a feather duster in hand.

OK, more like a fleece pullover and iPhone. We ARE in 2009.

What did Jamie bring me?

Pneumonia.

Yes, my friends he has pneumonia. He went to the doctor yesterday and he paid the hospital a visit today to get some X-rays because his condition had worsened.

Here’s the great thing about working for yourself: unlimited days off when you’re sick.

Here’s the bad thing: you don’t get paid.

Not even 5 minutes after he left for the hospital, a reporter from Channel 4 who interviewed me last week called to see if I could do a last-minute interview about how the FTC’s new ruling impacts bloggers.

I had only a very surface knowledge of that 81-page ruling.

My house was a mess. Bode was poopy. After straightening everything and everyone up, I literally had 5 minutes to become an expert on it.

All I can say is good thing it wasn’t live TV. Editing is a beautiful thing.

Oh, and they did a teaser for my segment on a commercial break DURING OPRAH.

It may be the the closet I’ll ever come to her.

So, poor Jamie is currently passed out upstairs, Bode has a runny nose and Hadley and I are both battling sore throats.

At least it isn’t lice, right?

So, here’s my question: are you a suffer-in-silence type or do you need someone babying you the entire time? Jamie and I are a bit of both. We check to see if the other is alive and leave ‘em alone to wallow in their misery!

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Health, Humor, Jamie

The Wienermobile: The Ultimate Vehicle for Wacky Family Bonding

October 5, 2009 By

I get to do a lot of cool things through my job such as the time my family got an all-access pass at Disneyland or when we got an exclusive tour of the National Museum of Natural History.

OK, so may we didn’t actually do these things but we recently experienced something equally as life-altering:

My family rode in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

My first encounter with this 27-foot-long hot dog on wheels was last summer when I rode “shotbun” at a blogging conference in Chicago. I stayed in touch with the publicists via Twitter and was delighted to hear it would be visiting a King Soopers near my house.

As an FYI, there are six Wienermobiles that travel the nation extolling the virtues of processed meat (and making middle-aged women’s dreams come true). At most events, the Wienermobile’s doors remain closed to prevent wear and tear but the PR reps told me if we arrived at the end of the shift, we could get a ride.

I recruited 5-year-old Hadley but she was initially a naysayer.

“How can we ride in a giant hot dog, Mommy?”

Screw Disneyland. The Wienermobile is where the impossible becomes a reality.

Hadley and I arrived on schedule and we were welcomed by Wiernermobile staffers Adam and Crystal. We transported Haddie’s booster seat, put on her “meatbelt,” looked up at the “bunroof” and were on our way.

“Where to?” Adam queried.
“Any chance we could drive by my house so my husband can see it? We live less than a mile away!”

He responded affirmatively and I immediately called Jamie. “YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS THIS SO GET OUTSIDE NOWWWW.”
IMG_3111
We arrived a few minutes later to father and son waiting on the curb in anticipation. They were delighted when Adam offered them a ride as well. As Jamie raced to get Bode’s car seat, I peeked around hoping for even one curious neighbor to witness my metamorphosis from geek to chic.

The street was abandoned.

In the end, it didn’t matter. We cruised around, “ketch(ing)up” on all the Wienermobile news. As corny as it was, it was one of the great bonding moments in our wacky family history and a reminder that sometimes the most valuable moments are not extravagant trips to Disneyland.

But rather simple ones we can truly “relish” together.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Bode, Family, Hadley, Humor, Jamie, travel

The Great Pumpkin Weigh-off!

September 30, 2009 By

Whew, finally a spare moment after a crazy week that entailed being interviewed by CBS 4 Denver, riding in the Wienermobile and being an honorary homeschool mom at hilarious science dude Steve Spangler’s Halloween event for (you guessed it) homeschool moms. Basically, I learned how to blow up things.

Legally.

Last weekend was the weekend that wasn’t.

Friday would have been Jamie’s infamous pumpkin party: the time when we congregate and worship The Great Pumpkin before the ceremonial stem cutting, followed by the back-breaking process of hauling it out of the pumpkin patch.

I instead invited our dinner group over for a grilled pizza cook-off followed by New York Dolls on the big screen. It was a fun night but my beloved James was in mourning. He left early the next day to help his fellow Rocky Mountain Vegetable Growers unload their pumpkins at Jared Nursery’s big weigh-off.

And no, I did not ever think I would marry a man conjoined with such an organization.

I coached volleyball at the church and then later joined him with the kiddos. In years past, the pumpkins were the main draw but Jared’s beefed up the event to include jumpy castles (a.k.a. mosh pits for kids), a haunted house (that I had to endure eight times), and a hay maze (from which I’m still picking straw out of Haddie’s hair).

I was originally going to sell my famous pumpkin bread but opted out when Jamie’s pumpkin met its death. But I have plans for next year. Big plans. Plans that involve me buying this groovy wig(I’m saving my money now) and hawking my pumpkin wares.

Because I am not above exploiting The Great Pumpkin.

And no, I’m not kidding about the wig. I may even get a shirt made that says “Pumpkin Widow” to go with it.

The day turned out to be a lot of fun and a new state record was set: 1,282 pounds.

Jamie bought a new Sony Webbie and recorded his very first YouTube video with it. Be sure to stick around for the second half of the video. I promise the second song will make you laugh.

Note: Evidently YouTube does not like The Great Pumpkin. The first part of the video is black so try this link!

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Jamie, pumpkins

Feeding the Addiction

September 22, 2009 By

When a loved one has an addiction, it is easy to get sucked into their world. Sure, you know it is unhealthy for them but you just can’t refuse because you love them.

These people are called ENABLERS.

My friend Lisa shall hereby be called “The Enabler.”

Sure, I kinda owe her after a minor indiscretion that involved giving her lice. But that is nothing compared to what she did today when she sent my dear husband spiralling deeper into the world of addiction.

You see, Lisa and her husband flip or rent oodles of houses. Their latest purchase was a foreclosed townhouse. When they checked it out for the first time, they discovered it was a veritable mari*j*uana treasure trove of growing equipment. She called the cops who cleaned out a lot of the actual goods but she was left with all the paraphernalia.

And then she remembered my giant-pumpkin-obsessed husband and his makeshift greenhouse. She called Jamie and he was over there faster than Linus in his quest for The Great Pumpkin. He sheepishly walked into the door with this:


And this.


Oh, and what would a makeshift greenhouse be without this?


He claims the wattage on the latter item is too great for growing pumpkins and he has threatened to swap it out for a smaller one on Craigslist. You know. That one website where people come to your home to buy the item.

“THE ONLY LORD THAT I ALLOW IN OUR HOUSE IS JESUS!!” I proclaimed.

Evidently, one Drug Lord’s bust is another Pumpkin Grower’s dream.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

Our Labor Day Weekend…

September 9, 2009 By

…started with our annual pilgrimage to hike St. Mary’s Glacier.

It ended before we even began.

Upon arriving at the trailhead, the only parking that remained was along a steep ledge so I hopped out to guide Jamie in his parallel parking efforts. Hadley, assuming we had arrived, jumped out too.

While it was still moving.

She started shrieking. I raced over to her side of the car and found her arm caught in the door. I released it, only to realize that was the least of her problems: Jamie had stopped the car on her foot.

“DRIVE, RIGHT NOW! DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!!!!!!”

Rest assured, I am not a person you want to be around in a crisis situation.

Confused by my hysterics, Jamie paused, unsure what direction to go. Eventually, he just stepped on the gas and rolled off her poor little foot.

We grabbed little crippled Hadley and raced her to the back of our SUV. We removed her shoe and as we surveyed the damage, Bode (ever the supportive brother), came over and demanded, “I’m hungry. Feed me now.”

He will not be mistaken for the sensitive type.

Even though her foot was miraculously fine, we skipped the hike and hung out at nearby Silver Lake before heading down to play in Idaho Springs.

Dejected from our misadventures, I promised them we would go visit Grandma Jean’s kitties when we returned home. Our neighbor had somehow left the two people in the world her cats hate most (meaning: my children) in charge while she went away for the weekend.

They jubilantly raced across the street, I punched in the code Jean had given me to her garage door and entered.

Then the house alarm went off.

She hadn’t mentioned anything about a house alarm.

I didn’t stick around long enough to figure out how to turn it off. We hightailed it over to another neighbor’s house who came back and did it for us. We settled into kitty stalking mode and all was well in the world.

Until the cops showed up.

I’ll spare you the sordid details but they almost involved a preschooler and kindergartner doing hard time for catnapping (mug shots taken two years ago prior to our trip to Mexico. Oh, the foreshadowing.)

Oh yeah, and my dear husband who debated not vouching for us.

He was obviously still recovering from my near-nervous breakdown earlier that day.

I’ll stop there and won’t mention the freezer that was left open all night and how we woke up to all our nice, expensive meat oozing all over the floor, which then inspired possessed me to spend the entirety of my Labor Day cleaning out our garage.

Have I mentioned how glad I am the long weekend is over?

So, make me feel better. Tell me about all the horrible, awful things that happened to you over Labor Day weekend. Errr…. please?

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Hadley, holidays, Humor, Jamie, travel

Bladdering On–Mass Destruction by Night

September 2, 2009 By

Life before children used to be different in many ways. I don’t miss most of it but the one thing I miss: my glorious, impenetrable bladder.

My friend Dave nicknamed me “The Camel of the Pee World” on a backpacking trip in Yosemite due to my uncanny ability to hold it in…or just sweat it out. Probably a bit of both.

But then I had kids and a full night’s sleep? Those days are over. I now have to get up at least once in the night to go to the bathroom. Pregnancy also made me neurotic about it. “Did I go or just think I went? Maybe I should try again because I don’t want to wake up in an hour.”

Welcome to my neurosis. I did that 10 times per night whilst pregnant.

These days, I really have it down to a urinary science and practically sleepwalk to the bathroom, after which I can usually fall back asleep. Saturday night, I almost made it through the night but was awoken at 4 a.m. by my internal alarm clock. I dragged myself out of bed, went to the bathroom and washed my hands. Only this time I did something a little bit different: I turned on both the hot and cold water, opposed to just the cold like I usually do in the middle of the night.

Livin’ it up at 4 a.m.

I stumbled back to bed and fell asleep, only to be awoken at 6 a.m. by a crash and then Bode. Exhausted, I brought him into bed with me and I opted for another Girl Scout try at the potty before settling back in (again, the neurosis).

It was then that I noticed the floor was wet. Very hot and wet. Half-asleep, I waded through the water only to notice I had left the hot water running and it had filled up the sink, spilling over the counter and all over the floor. I turned it off, threw some towels on the floor and passed out in bed.

A couple of hours later, Hadley and Jamie burst into the bedroom. “What happened last night?” he demanded. “Oh, I left the hot water running for a couple of hours,” I slurred.

“Well, it leaked all the way downstairs into the kitchen’s light fixtures and it came crashing to the floor. There is now a big crack in our ceiling,” Jamie exclaimed.

So that was the big crash.

I raced downstairs and sure enough our kitchen looked like a warzone. I spent the morning cleaning everything up.

On the surface, I am obviously the one to blame for this. I left the water running, causing it to gush everywhere. But really, is it my fault? Six years ago I could go through the night without a bathroom break. I even backpacked all over Yosemite earning myself the coveted “Pee Camel” moniker.

I blame the children for this incident.

Without them, I would still be asleep.

I figure it’s only fair. Someday they will blame me for everything that has gone wrong in their lives, right?

So what do you “blame” your children for?

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Humor, Jamie
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