The Other Woman

August 21, 2013 By

I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t had time for one of my favorite past times: mocking Jamie and the Great Pumpkin.

Truth be told, it’s been a tough season to mock because he’s been skipping around like a giddy school girl. The reason? His pumpkin, Stanley, is his biggest ever and is one of the largest in Colorado.

He’s never had a pumpkin weigh over 1,000 pounds and Stanley has likely surpassed that mark with 30 days still left to grow. But this is when it gets scary. It’s not uncommon for pumpkins of this size to split and there are a myriad of things that could go wrong that would disqualify him from the competition.

His work schedule is a lot more reasonable these days vs. the 15-hour days of yesteryear so I honestly haven’t had an issue with how much time he spends out there because there is plenty left for us. However, I’ve been very forthcoming that my version of “quality time” does not include gardening so I rarely go back to the patch, simply monitoring its growth from the bedroom window.

On Friday night, he announced:

“You need to come to the patch to me.”

“OK, just give me a few minutes.”

“Make it quick. The light is perfect.”

Mood lighting? What was the guy up to? A make-out session under the pumpkin vines? Naught fella, that Jamie.

As soon as we walked out to the patch, I saw his ulterior motive.

“Can you take a picture of me with the pumpkin?”

“So this is why you wanted me out here?”

He didn’t argue so I snapped away.

Cuz it’s pretty tough to compete with a 1,000 beauty like her.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

Ultimate Denver Date Night: Sullivan’s Steakhouse and Cirque du Soleil

August 14, 2013 By

Despite an awesome summer, Jamie and I haven’t been on a date night since May so when we were offered tickets to Cirque du Soleil’s Amaluna, we were all-in. Jamie’s sister Lisa generously invited the kiddos for a sleepover, giving us the freedom to do whatever the heck we wanted for however long. So, what did we do?

We ate. And ate. And ate.  We tried out Sullivan’s Steakhouse for the first time in downtown Denver and it won’t be our last. In addition to awesome filet mignon (and a roasted red pepper truffle butter I’m still dreaming about)….

….we inhaled Sullivan’s seasonal chilled seafood sampler for two with cracked lobster claws, huuuge cocktail shrimp, oysters in a half shell, jumbo lunch crabmeat and an avocado habanero salsa.

Oh, and I won’t mention the coconut cream pie with white chocolate shavings or the warm cast iron wild berry crumble we had for dessert. Let’s just say it was a good thing I did boot camp at Red Rocks that morning.

Then, it was off to Cirque du Soleil. I believe this is my fourth Cirque production and if you’ve never been, I’d highly recommend it (this, coming from non-artsy folks).

Amaluna was whimsical, thrilling, artistic and oh-so beautifully set on a  mysterious island governed by Goddesses and guided by the cycles of the moon. The stunts and choreography were enthralling and it was the perfect place to reconnect as a couple.

As were the bathrooms. The unisex stalls were set outside so as I was doing my business, Jamie reached under and grabbed my leg, nearly giving me a heart attack.

I learned the reason why men and women’s bathrooms are usually separate.

Another thing we loved about Cirque was how interactive it was. At one point, one of the performers walked up to Jamie (who was sitting on an aisle seat), cuddled up to him and purred, “Daddy.”

And with a look like that, who could blame him.

Filed Under: Colorado, Foodie, Jamie Tagged With: , , ,

Getting wired on 9News’ back-to-school fashion segment

August 12, 2013 By

I’ve fallen into a routine of appearing on 9News every month, usually around the time my column in the Denver Post is published. Though the experience still has a measure of stress, I’ve filed it under the “this is good for you to get out of your comfort zone so suck it up” file.

What I was not expecting when my kids appeared in last year’s 9News fashion show is how much they would love it. In fact, all year long whenever I filmed a segment, they would get all huffy with me. “Why aren’t we doing it with you?”–like the show couldn’t possibly go on without them.

So when back-to-school rolled around again, I figured I’d get them off my back and do the segment again, though it is a colossal undertaking to work with the clothing stores, figure out the styles and then present it all like I’m some sort of fashion aficionado. One thing I had going for me was my models from last year were all game for Round 2: my kids and two great teens from church, Stephanie and Bennett.

My kids had a blast getting outfitted at The Children’s Place. OK, Hadley has a blast; Bode was appeased when I told him he could pick one of their Angry Birds shirts as a reward.We did a few dry runs prior to The Big Day while I told Stage Dad Jamie to watch Tom Hanks’ eloquent performance in the spoof Toddlers & Tiaras for inspiration.

Our segment went live at 8:40 a.m. and we had to be at the studio by 8:20 a.m. so I told the teens to be at my house by 7:20 a.m. Bennett planned to follow us there in his car while Stephanie asked if her mom could drop her off at 7 a.m. on the way to work.

Unlike last year’s chaos with sick Hadley throwing up in the parking lot, I just knew this would would be different. The day dawned bright, beautiful and early. When 7 a.m. rolled around, I waited for Stephanie. Then 7:05 a.m. No problem. They were running a bit late. By 7:15 a.m. I started to panic. She’s a responsible kid and maybe something had happened. When Bennett rang the doorbell at 7:20 a.m., I was in full panic mode as I texted and called Stephanie. No response. By some stroke of luck, she had left her mom’s cell phone number on her voice mail so I called immediately.

“Where is Stephanie?” I choked out.
“Who is this?” she asked.
“Amber. She’s supposed to be here. We need to leave right now for the fashion show.”
“No, it’s not until Thursday.”
“Nope, it’s today.” Today being Monday.

Then it was her mom’s turn to freak out. “She’s at home sleeping. She thinks it’s Thursday. Don’t worry. WE WILL BE THERE.”

I didn’t know how. Her mom was at work and she’d have to race home, drag her teen out of bed and be at the studio in less than an hour but I didn’t question it.

I white-knuckled the 30-minute drive, at one point telling the kids, “why don’t you sing me a nice song to alleviate my stress?” upon which Hadley belted out, “Make it… Stephanie. You will make it!”

Not exactly the distraction I was hoping for.

We arrived at the studio shortly after 8 a.m. and much to my shock, Stephanie arrived a few minutes later with her mom apologizing profusely. My blood pressure levels started to go back down until, at 8:15 a.m., 9News’ sports reporter Suzie Wargin spotted us and said, “You’re late. We’re going live in five minutes.” And then those stress levels shot up yet again. Late? Late for what and why was she the one doing the interview?

She quickly realized she wasn’t looking for us (whew!) so we hung out in the Pit (newsroom) until it was our turn. Jamie had arrived by that time and we were soon ushered in. Kyle, one of my favorite reporters, was to do the segment with us and I got wired. With a microphone, that is. Believe me, my adrenaline levels were plenty wired on their own.

We hoped to do a quick run-through so the kids could see where they needed to stand when Kyle suddenly learned over to me and whispered, “we’re up next.” Problem was the cameras were suddenly on me and I had no way of telling Stage Dad Jamie we were live and not just practicing. Good thing the kiddos performed like champs, eventually figuring out this was no rehearsal. (See the segment here).

As for me? Good thing I have a year to recover before the next back-to-school fashion segment drama.

Filed Under: 9News, Bode, Hadley, Humor, Jamie Tagged With: , , ,

How you know you have hockey-loving Canadian parents

July 7, 2013 By

The kids and I are spending the next few weeks in Canada with my family.

Something always cracks me up when I go into my parent’s bedroom. I first discovered it last summer when I was hanging out on their bed. From across the room on my dad’s dresser, I saw a picture of me with a guy. At first, I thought it was Jamie but quickly dismissed that when I saw his sandy-blonde hair. I did a mental checklist of my ex-boyfriends and tried to figure out who on earth I was with.

Upon close-up investigation, I laughed out loud when I realized it was not my beloved husband but rather, a picture of me with The Great One, Wayne Gretzky (whom I met–and insulted–when I was at the 2010 Vancouver Games for Microsoft Office).

Even Jamie says he can’t compete with that.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie Tagged With: , ,

The Johnson Family’s Shortest (and worst) Camping Trip Ever

July 1, 2013 By

I have tried to instill a love of nature in my kids–just last week we went hiking four times, my daughter recently returned from YMCA of the Rockies’ traditional overnight Camp Chief Ouray and at the end of July they’re both enrolled in Avid4Adventure’s Survival Skills Camp. We are an outdoor-loving family!

But my favorite childhood memories are of camping and that is one area in which we’ve fallen short with my own family.  There is nothing like the sense of community at campgrounds, playing with new BFFs, eating tin foil dinners and s’mores, exploring and exploring some more, and telling stories around the campfire.

Here’s a recap of our camping trips since having kids.

Trip 1: Hadley had just turned 1 and was a horrible sleeper so she wailed all night long two nights in a row. Our campsite at Golden Gate Canyon State Park was on a slope. Hadley had just learned to walk so was falling over every few feet and when she wasn’t face-planting, she was trying to crawl into the fire pit. Our three-day weekend was cut a day short.

Trip 2: We took a few years off from camping to get pregnant and have our son Bode. When he was 2, we joined our good friends at Eleven Mile State Park. Never been? Keep it that way. I’d read about it in FamilyFun magazine and it was a huge, barren disappointment. In addition to camping, capsizing and crying, my baby had the most disgusting, explosive case of diarrhea and I spent hours at the camp laundromat cleaning out his car seat and clothes. (Ugly details here).

Trip 3: Waterton Lakes National Park, Canada. This is my favorite place on earth and I was ecstatic to introduce my kids to this wonderland that borders Glacier National Park. Sure there were minor hiccups (such as near-hurricane-strength winds) but it was our best camping trip to date.

Trip 4: Bear Lake State Park. Last year, Mile High Mamas partnered with Coleman for the Great American Campout. It had all the fixins for an amazing weekend with horseback riding, games, gourmet camp meals and kayaking. But do you remember that record-breaking 105-degree day last June? ‘Nuff said.

Trip 5: Camp Dick last weekend. This was going to be our year. The kids are 7 and 9 and the perfect ages for camping. Check-in wasn’t until 2 p.m. so we had a few hours to kill when we arrived at this campground set in a glacial valley just off the Peak to Peak Scenic Byway.

The kids caught butterflies and threw rocks in the adjacent Middle Saint Vrain Creek and we hiked a portion of the Buchanan Pass Trail.

We have been united with our fellow Coloradoans in praying for rain to defray the horrible wildfires…we just didn’t want the drought to end right then. All was going shockingly well until we felt our first raindrop. We’d waded through near hurricanes and diarrhea; a bit of rain wasn’t going to deter us.

Then it started down-pouring so we raced back to the car and ate lunch. Earlier, we’d spotted the remains of the previous night’s hail storm but miracles–the weather broke a half-hour later and we still had plenty of time to explore before we could set-up our tent.

Adventurous Hadley (who no longer falls every few feet and cries all night), discovered a faint trail on the other side of the creek so we bush-whacked our way to my children’s version of wonderland: a massive boulder field. We spent the next hour free-climbing these rock monsters and Hadley and my husband braved a steep slope to a cossetted cave. I hung back with my more-cautious Bode who called out encouragements such as “you know you can crack your head open and slide all the way down.”

Kid needs a lesson or two on pep talks.

Then all hell (or rather, hail) broke loose and it could not have come at a worse time. We were forging back through the forest when Bode slipped and hurt himself. Not even 5 seconds later, hail started pounding us and blinded, we lost the trail that was already barely there, forcing us to wade over a swamp land and practically toss now-hysterical Bode across the creek.

When we arrived at the road, we still had over a mile to where we’d parked our car at the trailhead but our soon-to-be acquired campsite was right around the corner. “I’ll run and get the car and you go to camp,” I bravely volunteered. Come hail or high-water, I would lead my family to safety!

I raced through the campground, hail pelting and drenching every inch of my body. It seemed like an eternity before I reached the car but I raced back to our campsite and saw my poor little family hunkered down under a tree trying to shield themselves from the frozen sheets of ice.

“We’ve taken a vote,” my husband announced.
“What is it?” I already knew the answer.
“We’re ready to go home.”

I looked at our campsite, the mud puddles thick from the previous night’s storm were now filled with snow. We could have toughed it out if we were staying in a camper but there was nowhere to setup our tent.  And most importantly, the sky ‘s furry was just getting started.

We called it a day at 1:30 p.m., just 4.5 hours from the time we left our house.

Better luck next year.

Filed Under: Canada, Colorado, Family, Family travel, Favorite Posts, Hadley, hiking, Humor, Jamie, outdoors, travel Tagged With: , , ,

June Travels: Our Crazy Life According to Instagram

June 30, 2013 By

My work-life balance has been nil with waaaaay too much playtime with the kids. I’m hoping to write about all our hiking adventures (and believe me, there are MANY) but until that time, my iPhone tells the story of our first month of summer break.

Chautauqua in Boulder

Our month-long party started with a glorious getaway to Chautauqua in Boulder complete with a charming cottage, emerald hikes bursting with jeweled wildflowers, a gourmet meal at the Dining Hall and Snow White reenacted by Theatre-Hikes Colorado.

Chautauqua in Boulder

Chautauqua meadow outside of our cottage

Snow White Theatre Hike!

With a kickoff to summer like that, it’s hard to go wrong. And we haven’t.

Giving Back

One day, we did a tour of the Food Bank of the Rockies where we learned about their kid’s program Kung Food Fighters to teach kids how to help fight child hunger.

Food Bank of the Rockies

But obviously not how to do Kung Foo moves.

Kicking It

Then there was the Colorado Rapids, our first-ever professional soccer game.

Colorado Rapids

We expect greater things from our soccer-playing son now.

Cave of the Winds

OK, technically our trip to Colorado Springs and The Broadmoor was late-May but I need to fit in our awe-inspiring cave tour of the 500-million-year-old Cave of the Winds, which was discovered in 1881.

Cave of the Winds

An exciting new addition to the already-cool caves is the Wind Walker Challenge Course. This three-story obstacle course is located on the rim of a 600-foot drop into Williams Canyon and has a challenging maze of steel beams, swinging ropes and ladders. Bode barely met the height requirement and I was proud of him for trying.

Wind Walker Challenge Course

Though it may take him a few years to recover from it. #Scary

Utah Fun

While Hadley was at Camp Chief Ouray for a week, Bode took his first solo flight to Utah. But then I crashed his party on the last day by scheduling a business trip in Park City where I also crammed in a quick hike to the Living Room, roller-bladed the Jordan River Parkway for the first time in 10 years (we’ve both changed!), had a cousin sleepover with the edible twinnies and storytime with Grandma.

Utah!

Talk about a memorable trip!

Carnivores Unite

Then, Bode and I headed straight up to YMCA of the Rockies near Winter Park where we got a tour of Hadley’s camp and had some fun adventures of our own. Sane people would have turned around after picking her up but not us. We headed further west into the mountains for our Father’s Day tradition: the Frisco BBQ Challenge where we met up with carnivore-loving Jamie.

Golden Breckenridge

But the fun didn’t stop there during that masochistic week (I crammed in four trips, but who’s counting?) Breckenridge is just a 15-minute drive away from Frisco and if we were to have a cabin anywhere, it would be there. It was like coming home as we spent the morning at Peak 8 Fun Park, which boasts the most awesome line-up of summer activities of any of Colorado’s ski resorts with an alpine coaster AND slide, gold panning, a maze, bungee trampoline, miniature golf and a bounce house.

Breckenridge Peak 8 Fun Park

We were thrilled to be in Breckenridge during Kingdom Days, which celebrates the town’s colorful history.

Or rather, lack of color as you can see from this old-fashioned photo. Note to self: Next time stay and watch Kingdom Days’ uproarious Outhouse Races.

Breckenridge was founded back in the 1860s thanks to the many gold discoveries. I have always wanted to go on a mine tour and was thrilled when Country Boy Mine Tour was a part of our itinerary.

Country Boy Mine Tours

There is still gold in them thar hills but it costs more money to extract it than it is worth. Following the tour, we panned for gold and Hadley unearthed a real sliver of gold, which I then proceeded to lose.

So much for our chance at millions.

Breckenridge is part of an extensive paved trail system that connects to mountain towns Frisco, Dillon, Keystone, Copper Mountain and Vail. That evening, Hadley was exhausted after her week at camp so Jamie stayed behind while Bode and I took to the trail. I had an epiphany: almost exactly two years ago, Hadley took her first solo flight to Utah (like Bode) and she first tested out her new mountain bike on Breckenridge’s trail system, just as Bode and I did that evening on his newly-minted mountain bike.

New bikes on the Breckenridge bike path: Hadley (2011) and Bode (2013)

His ride went smashingly on the dirt trails…until he ended up slowly smashing into the bridge. Luckily he made a quick recovery.

Party Boy

For the past few years, we have been in Canada for Bode’s July birthday, which has resulted in a number of “pretend birthdays” leading up to the real deal. He wanted to celebrate with his buddies at Big Time Fun Trampoline Center and it was the cheapest, easiest party I’ve ever thrown: Invite friends, buy cake, show up.

Big Time Partiers

Why have I been killing myself all these years with parties, food and entertainment at my house?

Finally a Fish

For the third year in a row, I organized summer swim lessons for some of my good friends from our ward. It is a two-week pool party for the kiddos and a lot of fun to hang out with the Real Housewives of Jefferson County.

And most noteworthy? Bode has finally figured out how to swim and graduated from Squids, which is the first time he has ever passed a swim class. There may be hope yet.

Camping Disasters

I was looking forward to our camping trip yesterday to Camp Dick in the Roosevelt National Forest. Like so many of our adventures, it started well with blue skies, beautiful hikes, creek-playing and boulder-scaling.

Camp Dick

But then ended so very, very badly. Details tomorrow.

Lyons Soda Fountain

But I suggest you drown your sorrows with ice cream sodas, floats, freezes, phosphates and classy sundaes at Lyons Soda Fountain, one of the state’s best preserved and oldest soda fountains in Lyons, Colo. Because ice cream makes everyone feel better.

A Little Bit of Magic

Lest you think we haven’t had any downtime in June, think again. Every chance we got, whether we were at the park, in the car driving 14,265 feet to Mount Evans’ summit or in the basement, I was reading the kids their newest obsession: Time well spent in what turned out to be a magical month.

Filed Under: Bode, Colorado, Family, Family travel, Hadley, hiking, Jamie, outdoors, travel, Utah Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Why we can never be on The Amazing Race together

June 12, 2013 By

My editor gave me an assignment to write my July column about how to balance retirement savings with real-time needs of your family. I thought it was an appropriate topic for me to tackle because one of my goals for 2013 is to get our financial future in order.

I got some recommendations on financial planners from friends and Jamie and I recently set an appointment. She had sent numerous documents for us to fill out and I was eager to sort through everything. Her offices are on the other side of town and we gave ourselves a half-hour buffer to get there.

Then we ran into traffic on I-25.

No worries, we’d still probably make it on time. We turned onto Colorado Boulevard and the address wasn’t getting any closer.

“Oh no! Google maps was wrong. It’s not right off I-25,” Jamie lamented. He turned around.

By this time, we were going to be late so I emailed the advisor. A few minutes later:

“Wait. The numbers are going up instead of down. We’re going the wrong way.” AGAIN. Seriously?!

By this time, we were both feeling stressed about the timing. He barked something to me about the directions (confirming we could NEVER be on The Amazing Race together), turned on his right turn signal, eased into the next lane and BAM! We side-swiped a car that had been in his blindspot.

SERIOUSLY?

We pulled off to a nearby parking lot, ensured the poor woman he hit was OK and surveyed the damage. The front end of Jamie’s car was smunched and he had hit her right around her driver’s seat door. We swapped numbers and insurance and somehow made it to our appointment only 25 minutes late.

And then proceeded to sit down and talk to her about how to plan for retirement while balancing real-time emergencies.

The irony of the situation is not lost on me.

Filed Under: Jamie

How to suck-up to your husband…and wife

June 11, 2013 By

I have (count ‘em) four trips this week, most of which are not with my beloved husband. I’m currently flying to Utah for a quick business trip and almost immediately upon my return, I will be leaving again for YMCA of the Rockies Snow Mountain Ranch to have some playtime with Bode before picking up Hadley from camp.

In an attempt to make Jamie a little bit less lonely, I made him him some Oatmeal Scotchies (his favorite) yesterday. The man has the sniffing nose of a dog and the moment I pulled them out of of the oven, he was THERE.

“Don’t touch. These are for tomorrow.”

“But they’re warm now.”

“I’m making them so you won’t be too lonely while I’m gone. Every time you think of me, you may have a cookie.”

“But then they’ll be gone in 10 minutes.”

Quite the suck-up but it worked and he started devouring ‘em before I left. Take note, men.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie

Because I’m supportive like that

May 30, 2013 By

Jamie recently sent me the following email regarding a message he received via his website’s contact form:

“My adoring fans demand more of ME…”

====

Questions/Comments
Hi. My name is (Crazy Lady) and I am a Development and Casting Director working with (Crazy Lady) Media, the world’s third largest television production company.

We are currently working on a development project for a network focused on the Competitive World Of Extreme Gardening.

I would love to be in touch with you to provide you with more information and to see if you might be interested in participating in this project.

If you are interested in talking, please email your number or feel free to call me directly.

Thank you,
Crazy Lady

=====

He has an audition today.

My response? “Oh hell.”

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

Your juicing recipes needed, PRONTO

May 23, 2013 By

For Mother’s Day, Jamie bought me a juicing machine and I was thrilled because I have wanted one for a while. Growing up, my parents had a juicer and though I adored fresh-squeezed oranges, they also made evil concoctions like carrot juice. Then there was the mushy hot oatmeal that they swore I’d love someday.

Guess what: I won’t touch it with a 100-foot pole.

Jamie has taken on the role as Master Juicer and has been trying out a number of healthy combinations, most of which have been edible (note: I did not say good; we’re going for health here). But yesterday, he took it too far. Here’s my clue regarding the main ingredient in this gem.Jamie: “It may make  you pee red. And it was inspired by Dwight Schrute.”

My response to this one: MAYDAY!!!!!!!!!

Filed Under: Jamie
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