Learning manners from a neanderthal

May 3, 2016 By

We generally eat out about once a week–sometimes less when we’re at home and definitely more when we’re traveling. Since our house has been on the market, we’ve been eating at restaurants a lot more for the sole purpose that I don’t want to mess up our immaculate kitchen.

During one of our dinner outings, we were starving and our order was taking forever. When it finally arrived, we were ready to eat…except Hadley had not yet received her chicken pot pie.

Bode started to dive in when I reprimanded him [while also grabbing a wonton from my salad].

“Bode, what’s the polite thing to do? We wait to eat until everyone has been served.”

“Mom, but YOU took a bite.”

“I never said I was polite.”

Filed Under: Bode, Humor

Girl’s Night Out (+ boy)

April 15, 2016 By

We’ve been working around-the-clock with all the (not so) fun things involved with selling our house. The kids have been real rock stars through all the drudgery; little do they know the worst is yet to come with packing and the actual move. I convinced Jamie to push our intended sell date back seven days to give us a bit more time. I’ll be in Florida for a conference next week and his intention was to put it on the market three days later. After my kids had the run of the house for four days without their whip-cracking mom. Like that was going to happen.

A few things going down around here besides house stress:

Butt kicking. My favorite trainer in the entire universe, Lori, started her own gym, Power Peak Fitness, with boot camp-style and spin classes. I quit my previous gym around this time last year due to injuries and burnout. Though I hike and bike regularly, I struggled with strength training and tried two cheap gyms (seriously, how do people do uninspired/boring treadmill and weight machine workouts day after day?) I really need to get my butt back into shape and that’s exactly what she’s doing. I was so sore I could barely walk last week but it’s amazing what a difference a few days can make! I’m still out of shape but at least I’m no-longer-sore-and-out-of-shape.

Outdoor Lab. I’m doing the happy dance! Hadley had the time of her life with her sixth grade class at Outdoor Lab a few months ago and will be going to week-long Outdoor Lab’s High Potential Week in the mountains this summer. Basically, top students in various subjects get nominated from schools all around Jefferson County (the largest in Colorado) and her teachers nominated her for art. I honestly wasn’t going to follow through on the nomination because money is tight but when Jamie’s mom heard about the opportunity, she offered to pay her tuition because she didn’t want to see Hadley pass it up.  Even better is two of Hadley’s besties, Maeve and Alex, will be there as well. What a tremendous send-off before our move!

General Conference. Two weekends ago was the LDS Church’s semi-annual General Conference where we listen to our leaders via satellite from the comfort of  our home. In our PJs. With a lot of food. We have a longstanding tradition to invite our friends the Carroll over for gingerbread pancakes with fresh apple marmalade, cinnamon rolls, fruit and sausage. There’s not a lot of reverence but it’s certainly fun and not without its funny moments like when we busted Isaac for smuggling light sabers and a sundry of weapons in his panda PJs to the basement. All fun aside, we always leave conference weekend inspired and my favorite talk this year that brought me to tears was Bonnie Oscarson’s “Do I Believe?” Power.

Outdoor Adventures. In between juggling work and getting the house ready, I’ve been spending every spare moment with friends in the great outdoors. We’ve hiked Aldfer/Three Sisters and dined at Blue Cow Eatery, had a girl’s night hiking Red Rocks and overeating at Olive Garden while the boys were at the Priesthood Session for General Conference, I attempted to mountain bike North Table Mountain in its entirety (not pretty) and this week, Jenn, Lisa and I hiked the Apex Trail. Our home is in an incredible location above an extensive soccer complex with playgrounds, Van Bibber Creek, a pond and parks where our city’s 4th of July fireworks are staged every year. Another favorite event is the annual Kite Festival, which we enjoyed with our friends the Phillips (despite our long-documented ineptitude at flying kites).

Apex Trail

Sports. Our busy spring sports season is underway…or is it? We’ve had an incredibly wet, snowy spring and 90 percent of Bode’s games and practices have been canceled, with a colossal snow storm happening this weekend. Hadley started volleyball with Maeve and Alex at the YMCA. With her transitioning back to our public school this year, I was fine with limiting her activities but wanted to have one last go-around with friends. Plus, she’s really really good at volleyball and loves it when she’s on the court…but claims otherwise when she’s off (looks like we have a tween). The kid is mastering her overhand serve and is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at her age.

Bears R Us. I’m wrapping my two-year stint as the Cub Scout Bear leader in our ward. I’d like to say I’ve loved this calling but I’d be exaggerating. I enjoy most of our weekly den meetings with the boys and we had a fun adventure walking Ralston Creek Trail yesterday but I despise mounds of paperwork and committee meetings. The best thing is being able to teach Bode and I’m happy he’ll be receiving his rank advancement next month. And equally as happy I’ll be moving on from this calling!

Girl’s Night Out. I skipped out a bit early from Hadley’s volleyball game last night to go to Girl’s Night Out with some friends. Usually our get togethers revolve around our kids and it was a breath of fresh air to enjoy each other’s company. Jamie is the least controlling husband ever (a good thing, too because this shrew is rather untameable) but I started to tell him why I needed to go to Girl’s Night Out.

And then I remembered I’m leaving him for Florida tomorrow where he’ll be stuck for four days with kids. In a snow storm. Finishing taxes.

Me thinks Jamie needs a girl’s night out waaaaay more than I.

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

The months leading up to our Midway move

April 7, 2016 By

From that unexpected moment in December when we first felt that strong impression that we were supposed to uproot our beloved Colorado life for the unknown in Midway, Utah, our past several months have been a blur.

January

  •  I spent most of January crying. Don’t ask about my ugly sobfest when I watched “Out of Africa” and Meryl Streep introduced her love affair of Kenya with “I had a farm in Africa.”  TIP: DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE IF YOU ARE MOVING FROM A LAND YOU LOVE.
  • I also spent January purging the house. I literally cleaned out every single room and we will have one heck of a garage sale next month. On April 15, we will celebrate our 12-year anniversary in this wonderful house. This was the home of my kids’ cherished childhood. It feels strange as they enter their tween/teen years they will have completely different memories in a new place.
  • Jamie and I flew in and out to Utah on the same day to meet with the builder to discuss initial plans. Funny story: when we first walked onto the property in December, it was foggy and we couldn’t see any views of Mount Timpanogos. On our return visit, we were literally blown away. It is the perfect view (minus annoying power lines). This picture is zoomed in of our yard.

February

  • We told the kids about the move. They cried, I cried. Jamie (The Man Who Never Cries) sympathetically consoled us while Fat Kitty looked at us like were lunatics. He has no idea of the trauma that awaits him this summer (Fat Dude hates any change and becomes unglued simply riding around the neighborhood in the car).
  • Told our closest friends. More crying.

March

  • Things are becoming real. Started fixing up the house for sale.
  • Spend a fortune on new carpet we’ll never enjoy.
  • Word of our move spreads like wildfire in our ward that has become our second family. Crying etc.
  • We visit Midway for Spring Break and introduce the kids to their new life.
About 95 percent of the homes are completed in our new neighborhood and only a few remain including our lot and our immediate neighbor’s but I was thrilled to see their cars and told Jamie, “we need to go meet them!” We hadn’t taken even two steps out of our car when Ellen FLEW out of her house, exclaiming, “are you our new neighbors?” And just like that, she and her husband Dave welcomed us with open arms to the hood.

The good: She is my twin in twenty years and her husband is just like Jamie. Plus, they fed us coconut cookies.
The bad (for Hadley): She offered to become our kids’ piano teacher.

During our visit to Utah, we had planned to go to our new ward hoping to meet a few new people but church was canceled due to the Provo City Center Dedication. But the timing of our Spring Break visit was otherwise perfect. Hadley was able to attend an overnight retreat with the young women from our new ward and made a few friends. She will go to YW Girl’s Camp in our Colorado ward and then a week later with her Utah one. It was a relief that she was able to bond with the new girls before showing up for camp!

So, that left Bode. I’m concerned about both of them with this move for different reasons. Hadley has a lot of friends but sometimes takes a while to warm up to people and then she’s the life of the party. However, if she doesn’t click or fit in, she’s fine with going it alone. Case in point: She’ll often hang out with friends on the bus but if they’re not around, she’d rather just sit by herself than be with someone she doesn’t like.  It’s good that she’s comfortable enough with herself to just be by herself but sometimes not so good when she would rather not put forth the effort. Starting at a new middle school without knowing anyone is no stroll in the park.

Bode is the complete opposite. His friends are his world and he collects them like trash on his bedroom floor (translation: he has a lot). Everywhere he goes, he makes a new BFF. This is a great quality but the worry is what happens if he doesn’t click with the kids there? He’s a thoughtful, sensitive kid and it would be waaaay more devastating to him than Hadley.

Hadley’s retreat was at the Young Women’s President’s house in our neighborhood who has a daughter Hadley’s age and a 9-year-0ld son like Bode. I mentioned I’d like them to meet so Bode would at least know one person before the move but her son Tommy was at his grandma’s a block away. Just as we started to leave, another  boy, Titus, showed up asking if Tommy was around to play.

And this is where my Mama Bear My Children Must Make Friends instinct kicked in. “Tommy isn’t here but would you like to go with Bode up the street to his grandma’s house?” Titus was game so he and Bode walked together while I followed them in the car.

Yes, it was as creepy as it sounds.

It got worse. We arrived at the house but Grandma wasn’t home. Tommy and his siblings (I think there are 8 of them?) were in the care of their teenage brother. I hesitated. Surely I shouldn’t leave Bode there with no grandparental supervision, right? I followed Bode and Titus to the basement where Tommy was hanging out with his brother.

I went for it. “Hey, we’re moving into the neighborhood and are wondering if Bode can hang out for a few minutes?”

Yes, it was as awkward as it sounds.

They hesitatingly agreed and for the first time, poor Bode looked uncomfortable. I cheerfully assured him, “I’ll be back soon” and drove back to our lot to meet Jamie. Because our home is one of the last in the neighborhood to be built, we were not able to see our actual model before committing. Scary, right? Our neighbor across the street, Jan, generously opened up her home for us to tour and for the first time, we were able to see the layout.

The good: Jan is awesomely friendly and talked a lot.
The bad: Jan is awesomely friendly and talked a lot.

Normally I’d be thrilled with such a warm reception but remember that I dumped poor Bode at a grandma’s house without a grandma with kids he didn’t know? That few minutes turned into an hour and I agonized as time ticked on. I finally had to politely excuse ourselves and raced back over to the house. As I walked up to the door, I noticed something in the distance–a child riding a scooter that looked suspiciously like Bode.  I walked down to the street. Yep, it was Bode. He raced around the corner with Tommy and Titus in hot pursuit.

“Bode, did you have fun?”
“Definitely!”
“Have you been exploring?”
“Yes! We went back over to Tommy’s house and he loaned me this scooter. Do you know what we just discovered?!!! A SINKHOLE in an open field behind our new neighborhood.”

Something tells me that boy is going to be just fine. Let’s just hope the rest of us will follow.

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, Humor, Utah

To shutter or not to shutter, that is the question?

April 5, 2016 By

As we fix up our house to put on the market, our past several weeks have also been dedicated unto life-altering decisions such as “Do we put shutters on the new house?” I’ve had sleepless nights over such minute details. Only the strongest of marriages survive a renovation or a move. Fortunately, we’ve naturally gravitated to our areas of strength. Jamie has handled all the refinancing, loans and permit details while I’ve focused more on purging and cleaning our house.  You know, the things that don’t require any brain power, that’s me!

The whole process has been seamless but we sometimes clash in our design decisions. I want a completely different look and feel from our Denver home. We currently have a lot of browns and reds, which was swell when we built 13 years ago but I want to brighten up our plot a lot more. To Jamie’s credit, he has acquiesced on much of it, thinking I will give him full reign over the basement and yard and for the most part, I will. Except for the location of his greenhouse. Out of all the places on our .5-acre-plot, he wants to build it smack dab in the middle of my view of Mount Timpanogos. HEAR ME ROAR!

We’ve finalized most of our decisions from the design center but we’re still pending on one minor detail: to shutter or not to shutter? Our design consultant a.k.a. Jamie’s Generous Sister Who is Trying Not to Kill us With our Indecision sent over a few photoshopped pictures of her neighbor’s home that is undergoing renovations. Obviously, our house will have a different design but the colors are similar and this gives us a general idea.

No shutters.

The home with photoshopped black and then white shutters.

 

Jamie and I sat down to discuss our options.

Jamie: “I like no shutters.”

Me: “I think the black shutters make the house look too dark. Let’s nix those.”

Jamie: “Agreed.”

Me: “I’m kind of leaning toward the white shutters. I like the clean lines”

Jamie: “Huh. I’ll tell you what. Let’s compromise and do no shutters.”

Amber: “How is that a compromise? That is the choice you originally wanted!”

Jamie: “Exactly.”

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, Marriage, Utah

Guide to How to Embarrass Your Children

March 28, 2016 By

In the kids’ younger years, they had no frame of reference regarding just how uproarious and embarrassing I really am. Now at ages 9 and 11, those days are over. I suppose I could be The Good Mom and dial it back a little but since I like to have fun, why not have a bit of enjoyment at my children’s expense?

When I purged my entire house in January, I stuffed everything in garbage bags but have recently been on an obsessive quest for boxes for my blow-out garage sale next month.  There are three options:

1) Buy new. The challenge: I’m too cheap and who wants to waste money on an inanimate object made of cardboard?

2) Stalk Craigslist. We buy quite a few things off Craigslist but I try to avoid it whenever possible. Sure, there are plenty of free boxes posted but they’re rarely in my area and who wants to risk being stuffed in your newly acquired box by a serial killer?

3) Pillage the neighborhood. Trust me, pirates never had this much fun.

Wednesday has become my favorite day of the week because it’s our garage day; recycling is every two weeks and equal unto Disneyland!

Now, lest you think I’m rummaging through my neighbors’ garbage, that’s only partially true.  CLICK TO KEEP READING

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, Humor

My failed attempt at campaign manager

March 24, 2016 By

At the beginning of the school year, my fourth grader Bode announced he was running for Student Council and hoped to be one of two kids elected to represent his class.

I was pleased with his aspirations. He’s an affable, friendly bloke and has always been a born leader. His preschool teacher frequently commented what an obedient kid he was and how he was always motivating others to make good choices, a trait he still has.

My daughter, on the other hand, takes after me with a more Joseph Stalin-dictator approach. During her toddler years at library storytime, she’d be singing and dancing, would stop in her tracks when she saw kids doing the actions incorrectly and forcibly correct them. Because they were obviously too stupid to figure it out for themselves.

At my kids’ elementary school, only grades 4-6 are eligible for Student Council. I’d never been involved in student government until my junior year at BYU when I ran for–and shockingly won–the position of Executive Director of Public Relations. My belated political aspirations may-or-may not have been about making a difference and had more to do with the cute guy who announced the position opening in our communications class.

Since Bode still can’t stomach kissing on TV, I was pretty sure he was running for all the right reasons and wasn’t in it impress any hotties. I turned to my friend Lisa, mother of 5, for some advice.

Me: “How long should his speech be?”

Her: “Just a few minutes. Have him talk about things he can actually do, like being inclusive and not promising two hour recess.”

Me: “Can he bring bribery campaign treats?”

Her: “Within reason.”

Note to self: Scratch the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-themed party.

He: “Does he do any other campaigning like posters?”

Her: “You’re way overthinking this.”

I ignored her slight and took on my new role as campaign manager with all the zealousness of Reece Witherspoon in the satire dramedy Election. That night at dinner, I casually brainstormed campaign slogans. “How about Bode, Bode, he’s not ‘grody.’”

Husband: “You’re setting him up to a lifetime of being bullied. Kids  have yet to figure out ‘grody’ is the only thing that rhymes with his name.”

“How about ’Bode, he’s your guy. If you don’t vote him, he will cry.’”

Husband: “You’re fired.”

I wasn’t sure if he really meant it or if he was referencing Donald Trump’s second GOP debate where he was a political punching bag.

Undaunted, I went out of town for a few days but promised Bode I’d help him fine-tune his speech later. Upon my return, I met him at the bus stop.

“Guess what, Mom. I won the election?”

[Insert my panic attack; I had missed it?]

“What do you mean you won? You weren’t supposed to give your speech until Monday!”

“I know. There were eight of us who said we wanted to run but I was only one of two who turned in my paperwork on time.”

Co-Class President by default? We’ll take it.

And so begins a promising political career.

Filed Under: Bode, Humor

Why we’re totally nailing this parenting thing

March 22, 2016 By

Parenting is tough. And it would be even rougher if Jamie and I were not on the same page most of the time.

Bode is obsessed with those little announcing bouncy balls and is constantly lodging them off our walls. That would be just swell if we didn’t find them everywhere around the house.

The other day, I had enough as I nearly tripped on yet another one.

Me: “I swear, if I step on one more of these little bouncy balls, it’s going straight in the trash.”

Bode: “Dad *just* said the exact same thing.”

Great Minds Threaten Alike.

Filed Under: Bode, Humor

The Classics

March 16, 2016 By

We’ve had quite an awesome week, which kicked off when we were invited to our friends the Phillips’ house for a Pi(e) Party on Monday night. There were waaaay more than 3.14159 pies and we had a blast socializing with friends. I didn’t take any pictures, mostly because we were too busy eating pie.

Hadley is moderately obsessed with the Divergent series since her class started reading it a couple of months ago. We watched the first two movies last week and when we were invited to a pre-screening of “Allegiant” (the third movie), Jamie and I thought it would be fun to keep it a secret. I hinted that is was the new movie “Miracles in Heaven,” which I also want to see so she suspected nothing, even when we sat down in our seats and a screenshot of “Allegiant” was on the screen.

Bode figured it out right away. When we did a pre-screening of “Cinderella,” they’d had a similar ad for the movie. “Keep it a secret,” I whispered. I wanted to see her face when she figured it out.

It took her a while. Even after the movie started, she thought it was a trailer but her reaction was the absolute best when she realized what was happening.

Even more memorable was when we were driving to the theater. It was rush hour drive-time on the radio so there was a lot of talk but very little music. The kids begged us for some tunes so Jamie played a soundtrack he’d recently downloaded: The Carpenters.

“Ohhhhh no, make it stop!!!” They whined.

“We are here to educate you on one of the most famous singers in the world–Karen Carpenter,” and we joined Karen’s melodic voice as we crooned “We’ve only just begun.”

Bode had enough and queried with disdain. “What, is this from like the 1990s!?!?”

That one hurt just a little.

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, Humor

Awesome comes in many forms

March 9, 2016 By

My brother Pat married up, big time. My sister-in-law Jane is one of the kindest, coolest and most generous humans on the planet. They are celebrating their 27th wedding anniversary and theirs is a marriage of best friends I’ve always admired. They started their family when they were still really young and now that they’re empty nesters in their 40s, they both have successful careers and travel the world.

Jane sends out a weekly family email to her clan and ours and we were reminiscing about their wedding in Ephrata, WA. Never heard of it?  You’re not alone. It is located in what I call the armpit of Washington and is the venue of the Suicidal Cow incident from a two summers ago.

I have many favorite Pat and Jane wedding memories. In addition to the sheer (fun!) chaos of being thrown into a large family (9+ kids), I still remember when her brother Glen brought his football buddies to the house. Keep in mind I was around 16, VERY boy-crazy and there were some cute guys in the mix.

Until they opened their mouths.

They had just come from some game or practice and were totally stoked (testosterone was majorly in play here).

 One of them kept shouting, “That was AWESOME.”
He should have stopped there but he didn’t and went on to spell it out. “That was AWESOME. O-S-U-M, OSUM!”

There’s a reason I never dated football players.
Filed Under: Humor

Relief Society Spotlight

March 8, 2016 By
I’m in the throes of launching a summer camp directory for Mile High Mamas and will be appearing on 9News this week to talk about everything. Translation: I have zero time to blog!
Something I appreciated about our Leap Day Time Capsules we opened last week was reading the questionnaires we filled out–we’ve certainly come a long way! A member of our ward’s Relief Society Presidency recently interviewed me for the monthly spotlight so I thought I’d post….and compare my answers 50 years from now. Something tells me that I lot will have changed.
======
1. What is your full name? Amber DeEtte Johnson. I was told my middle name was French until I served in France and no one had ever heard of it.
Nickname. Not many nicknames now but growing up, I was known as “Animal” from The Muppets. A real stretch, I know.
2. Where were you born?  I was born and raised in Calgary, Canada.
3. What is your birth date? February, 1857.
4. How many brothers and sisters do you have and where do you fit in youngest to oldest? I have an older brother who is four years older than me and a brother five years my junior. I learned the survival of the fittest from an early age.
5. A memory of a favorite birthday or what is your idea of a great birthday? I have a lot of great birthdays because it usually falls over President’s Day weekend. My favorite birthday was on our honeymoon in Costa Rica but a close second was my 40th birthday where a bunch of families came to skate Evergreen Lake with me.
6. If you have children, how many?  What are their ages? I have two kids: Hadley (age 11), Bode (age 9) and a very fat cat.
7. What are some of the different places you have lived?  Your favorite places?  Why (or have visited
 My parents still live in my childhood home in Calgary so it’s wonderfully nostalgic. In addition to Canada, I’ve lived in Idaho, Utah, a mission in Switzerland and France, a study abroad in the Middle East and I’ve traveled all over. My favorite place on earth is Waterton Lakes National Park–right near the Canadian border across from Glacier National Park. It’s pure magic.
8.  Favorite Food? (or restaurant or type of food) Country Road Cafe in Kittredge, just outside of Evergreen, Colo. Trust me: it’s the best breakfast in Colorado and we take all of our friends.
9.  A favorite family activity. Our family loves to travel and be outdoors with skiing, hiking and biking as especial favorites.
10.  When I was young, I use to imagine myself as…a world traveler. I haven’t done too much of that since having kids but once they become teenagers, we hope to travel more abroad. And then serve a mission later with Jamie.
11. What is an accomplishment you are proud of? I was Microsoft’s accredited blogger for the 2010 Vancouver Games. I’m so grateful to the many people who voted me there!
12. What extra-curricular activities have you been involved in?  Younger years and/or currently.
Sports were always a huge part of my life. Growing up, that meant team sports and I was really competitive in volleyball and soccer. My dad raised us to love the outdoors and that has always been a huge part of my life.
13. If you had the opportunity to travel anywhere, where would you go? Why?
Nepal. I’m green with envy at the Rolfsons for their frequent trips! I don’t have any Everest aspirations (though base camp would be cool) but it’s been a dream to do a multi-day trip backpacking to the Buddhist Monasteries while learning the Tibetan Tradition. I find the whole region fascinating…but getting there is so expensive!
14. If you could have one wish, what would it be?  A genie with more wishes? My dreams are usually for health and a happy, Christ-centered home.
16. Where do you work? Or where have you worked? How long? I’ve worked in pretty much every form of media you can imagine. For years, I was a travel writer and publicist in Salt Lake City. Since moving to Colorado, I’ve done everything from write a column for the Denver Post to local news appearance. My longest-standing is running MileHighMamas, a great resource for Colorado moms. I’m grateful to be able to work from home.
17.  What are your hobbies/interests (hobbies, crafts, reading, sewing, cooking, singing, etc.),
Most of my hobbies center around the outdoors with my biggest passion as hiking. I love to read (but don’t do it nearly enough since having kids), play the piano and write.
18.  Something you must do in your lifetime?
Move to the mountains!
19. Share something about you that no one would know.
When I was in high school, I was a movie extra for a Japanese blockbuster that was filmed in the Canadian Rockies. It was likely my first–and last–role as a Samurai Warrior.
20.  Who is your favorite Latter-day Prophet and why? I love President Benson. I read his book The Book of Mormon–The Keystone of Our Religion when I was in high school and that was the beginning of my testimony of this great book.
21.  What three words best describe you anything else? Outgoing, Fun-loving. Not quiet.
Filed Under: Humor
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