Humor | Life Elevated Mom

A Picasso in the Making

May 25, 2011 By Amber

This birthday week is all about Hadley (but if we want to be truly honest about it, our family’s lives pretty much revolve around our little spitfire most of the time.) Between field day today, birthday tomorrow, her birthday party on Thursday and a class field trip to the zoo on Friday, I told her it’s all downhill from here.

Gotta prep her for the fact that in a few years, her birthday will fall during final exams.

I’ve mentioned what a great artist she is. If I had one iota of time and motivation, I’d scan in some artistic renderings she’s done this year–truly impressive. When we were at our city’s library last winter we stumbled upon a painting she did of an abstract owl.

She was thrilled to be on display.

But on Sunday, she obtained a new level at stake conference (a two-hour, semi-annual meeting with all the church members in our area.) Normally I look forward to it but with Jamie out of town in Florida, I dreaded entertaining both kids by myself.

Fortunately, the kids were perfectly well-behaved and drew pictures the entire time. At the very end, I caught a glimpse of Hadley’s latest creation: A beautiful, intrinsically detailed temple in the background…with a big, fat cat taking up most of the foreground.

Because Fat Kitties are nothing if not celestial beings.

Unbeknownst to me, the couple behind us had been watching her progress. When the meeting was over, they begged me to scan in the funny picture so they could hang it on their fridge.

“I’ll do better than that,” I said as I ripped it out of the notebook and handed it to them.

We are not lacking in fat cat pictures at our house. (UNDERSTATEMENT.)

Shocked, Hadley watched the exchange but truly did not come to life until they turned and asked her, “Can you autograph this picture for us?”

I predict a life of incorrigibility after this one.

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

The Makings of a Fat Kitty Birthday Party

May 23, 2011 By Amber

Hadley’s 7th birthday is on Wednesday. You know those moms who go over-the-top by over-planning their social event of the season everyone will rave about for years to come?

That is not me.

Don’t get me wrong: I love parties and between doing it personally and professionally for many years, I do a pretty good job. It’s just when it comes to children’s birthday parties, less is more.

A few years ago, a dear friend hired a professional party planner for her daughter’s birthday. The company did a marvelous job but guess what: the kids were 3 years old and could not have cared less. In the end–though I think most of us have good intentions–it’s our own needs that often get in the way of how the kids really want to celebrate.

Every year, I let my kids plan their theme around what they love best. For Hadley, it is her beloved Fat Kitty. For months, she has been formulating her games that will include a meowing contest, clean the kitty litter box (blindfolded with cotton balls & Tootsie roll poop) and musical chairs cat beds with the fun twist that the winner will actually be the first person out.

Fat Kitty ain’t exactly fast.

Most people would be thrilled to have a party in their honor but not him. Hadley declared he needed to be featured on her invitation and so we staged a photo shoot with various locations and costume changes.

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this birthday card.

The same cannot be said for soon-to-be 7-year-old girls.

Maybe I should look into hiring a professional after all.

Filed Under: birthday, Hadley, Humor Tagged With: Fat Kitty

Race to the finish line

May 20, 2011 By Amber

School is winding down and work is ramping up.

Never a good combination.

Bear with me the next couple of weeks as I juggle Jamie’s trip to Florida, Haddie’s birthday festivities, two field days, work meetings and my own travels back East.

Will balls get dropped?
You betcha.

P.S. Special thanks to my friend Stacey for sending this to me today. Talk about inspired.

Filed Under: Family, Humor

Why you don’t want to be in our family

May 19, 2011 By Amber

You may have seen those feel-good commercials produced by the Mormon church about the importance of family. We firmly believe family is central to God’s Plan of Happiness and I personally think the reason why we’ve seeing such a moral decay in society is the disintegration of the strong values instilled within the family unit. Families should be there to provide structure, support, balance and love in their children’s lives.

But there is another important role of the family that is seldom vocalized:

They should be there to help with you with all the crummy stuff like assisting with moves, painting and every other undesirable job that should never befall friends.

I think we should totally dedicate a commercial unto that.

As I previously mentioned, Jamie’s brother Chris moved back to Colorado last week. On Saturday after Bode’s soccer game we went to brunch and then Chris needed help unloading his moving truck. Jamie interjected he’d be happy to help but he needed to (what else?) work on The Great Pumpkin before it started raining.

By the time we finally arrived to help unload the truck, this is what we found.

‘Bout time that pumpkin came in handy. Welcome to the family, Great One.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

The Pumpkin Man: Back in Business

May 17, 2011 By Amber

I haven’t posted many one-liners from The Pumpkin Man, primarily because we’ve been so entrenched in work that we haven’t had much time to play. (Here’s a recent example).

Friday night was our exception. It was a glorious evening with idyllic temperatures so we decided to ride down to the neighborhood playground and skate park. Because we live perched atop a big hill, the ride back up usually takes a while for the kids. There is a bench at the half-way point that is where we rest. This time as we settled back enjoying the view, I commented,

“This is what I want after I die, Children. A bench inscribed with my name overlooking a lovely place that people can enjoy.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Jamie offered. “How about I just spray-paint your name on this one.”

I hereby vow to haunt him beyond the grave.

When we were at the playground, the kids tore around with some neighborhood boys. One of them is graduating from kindergarten and is a full head taller than Bode. While Hadley inherited the Johnson genes (tall and slender), poor Bode takes after my side of the family (all runts of the litter.)

“Look at how much taller that kid is than Bode,” I observed.

There was a long pause before The Lord of the Gourds finally delivered the ultimate blow:

“If you were a pumpkin, I would not grow your seed.”

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

I’m Not the Only One With a Brilliant Sense of Humor

May 13, 2011 By Amber

As I’ve already established on this blog, I’ve been sick a lot lately and my absence has not gone unrecognized at church. A couple of weeks ago, I was getting some reimbursement slips from our clerk’s office when I had a rather enlightening conversation with two of our ward members, Brother Allred and Brother Conley.

Side note: Just writing that we often refer to each other (particularly the older generation) as “brother” and “sister” sounds a bit strange but I assure you it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Especially considering other names people could call you.

Our conversation:

Brother Allred: “So, Sister Johnson. Are you feeling better?”

Me: “Finally. It’s been a rough few months. I have a really low white-blood cell count, which I suspect is the reason why I keep getting sick.”

Brother Conley (who was listening in): “Low white blood cell count? Did you know that Brother Allred doesn’t have any white blood cells?”

Brother Allred: “You’re correct. Mine are ‘all-red.’”

Just one more reason why I’m glad to be back at church.

Filed Under: Humor, LDS

Happy Belated Mother’s Day!

May 11, 2011 By Amber

I had one of my best Mother’s Days on record. It started with breakfast-in-bed, thanks to Jamie and Hadley.

Though I could have done without the wake-up call to receive it (guilty parties, take note). Fortunately, they ended much better with grlled rib-eye steaks for dinner.

I was showered with gifts that included a handmade mug and card from Hadley, a personalized card and photo from Bode and a much-needed Sierra Designs windbreaker from The Honey.

At church, moms were revered, honored, and perhaps most importantly fed pie. I say “most importantly” because a couple of years ago, they attempted to yank this long-standing tradition by instead giving us a nice flower.

It did not go over well.

We’re a “let them eat ~~cake~~ pie” kinda ward.

Following church, I wanted to spend time with my family in a meaningful way so suggested we go for a walk around Evergreen Lake’s 1.3-mile loop. Just a 20-minute drive from our house, this mountain hamlet has long been a favorite skating destination in the winter. We spotted mallards, Canadian geese, Double-crested Cormorant and crawdads.
We threw rocks, marveled at the dam and resolved to return this summer to go paddle-boating.

Possibly my favorite Mother’s Day ever?

I’m so grateful for my mom, mother-in-law and all my friends who are such tremendous examples of how to be a great mom. I’m indebted to my kids for making me one in the first place and for showering with me with affection and recognition.

Now, I just need to figure out how to convince them every day is Mother’s Day.

Filed Under: Colorado, Humor

Disney Wonder Day 7: Farewells & Our Favorite Moment

May 7, 2011 By Amber

Our final day at sea aboard the Disney Wonder was overcast and chilly but no one complained. After six days of fun in the sun, we were more than happy to leisurely hang out in our PJs in our stateroom.

Though my kids’ shell-shocked expressions in this photo may testify otherwise.

It was probably because I had told them their endless gourmet food supply was soon coming to an end.

When we finally emerged to civilization, we played board games in the Promenade Lounge, leisurely enjoying ocean views out of the large porthole windows.

That afternoon, we attended the matinee of Disney Dreams – An Enchanted Classic, a live musical show at the Walt Disney Theatre. We loved the story of Anne Marie, a little girl who couldn’t find it in her heart to believe, with special appearances from the Blue Fairy, Peter Pan and many of our favorite Disney characters. Thousands of bubbles were blown into the audience and whimsical snow swirled around us in the perfect sendoff.

Magical Moments

But my favorite moment of the entire trip happened almost by accident. Later that evening, Linda and I had dinner reservations at Palo’s (memorable details here) while the kids partied away at the Oceaneer Club. Around 6 p.m., we tried to grab Haddie and Bode some dinner at Beach Blanket Buffet but it was closed.

We wandered out to Pluto’s Dog House, a quick-service grill, adjacent to Mickey’s Pool and ordered the kids some hot dogs and fries. With most people either at dinner or the show, along with the chilly temperatures, the area was a ghost town.

“We want to go swimming!” Hadley announced.
“Now? Isn’t it too cold?”
“There’s nobody here. Pleeeeease can we do it?”

The girl is half-Canadian so cold weather ain’t exactly a diversion.

And because I’m full-blooded Canadian, I grabbed their swim suits.

Hadley and Bode had the time of their lives in that pool all their own. They laughed, played, splashed and jumped the waves of the rocking boat.

Our entire family vacation was fun but those final moments were sheer magic.

Or rather, Wonderful. Because you wouldn’t expect anything less aboard The Disney Wonder.

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If you missed it:
*It’s a Wonder Cruising with Disney: A Day-by-day Guide
*Day 0.5: If Getting There is Half the Fun Then I’m in Trouble
*Day 1: Kids Club, Sail Away Party and Fat Kitty Stowaway
*Day 2: Stateroom, Oceaneer Club, Pools, Entertainment & Pyrotechnics, Oh My!
*Day 3: Our Slacker Character Breakfast, Oceaneer Lab’s Little Red Hen and the Magic of Animator’s Palate
*Day 4: Puerto Vallarta, Boogie Boarding and Not-nude Beaches
*Days 5 & 6: Cabo, Lands End, A Brush with Death and a Newfound Love

Filed Under: Bode, Disney, Family travel, Hadley, Humor Tagged With: Disney Cruise

Days 5 & 6: Cabo, Lands End, A Brush With Death & a Newfound Love

May 6, 2011 By Amber

I’ve been to several Mexican towns but Cabo San Lucas is honestly the only place I can say I fell in love with.

My affair crept up on me as my mother-in-law Linda and I were teaching the kids to play shuffleboard on deck 4. As the Disney Wonder approached the southern tip of Cabo San Lucas where the Sea of Cortez meets the Pacific Ocean, Lands End came into view. We stopped in our tracks and marveled at these famously tall and stoic landmarks at the tip of the Baja Peninsula.

A colony of sea lions bathed on the rocks, sun-worshippers laid out on remote Lover’s Beach (only accessible via water taxi) and kayaks wove around Arch Rock. Cabo San Lucas impressively loomed with its mansion-dotted hilltops, testifying of Cabo’s reputation as Mexico’s most elite destination.

Lands End Coastal Cruise

I had foolishly signed up for the 40-minute Lands End Coastal Cruise ($33 adults, $19 kids) in a motorized catamaran. I say foolishly because I had wrongfully assumed we would be unable to see Lands End from the cruise ship and was disappointed we would not be experiencing anything new.

However, the excursion was not a total waste of time. We enjoyed getting up-close-and-personal with the landmarks and the informative narrative by J.M. Cousteau. But during my next visit, I’m renting a water taxi or kayaking to Lover’s Beach.

Because there will be a next time.

Cabo San Lucas’ Beaches

I had thoroughly researched Cabo’s beaches (a great resource is 10 Best Beaches in Cabo San Lucas) and had narrowed it down to Chileno Beach. Perfect for families, this beach skips the local party scene, has bathrooms, palapas for shade, snorkeling equipment and tide pools for exploration that I knew my kids would love.

The problem is Chileno Beach is located on what is called “The Corridor”–an 18-mile four-lane highway that follows a stunning coastline past championship golf courses, world-class beaches and luxury resorts.

OK, that wasn’t the problem because that sounds pretty darn idyllic. The quandary was the cab ride cost around $80 round-trip. Renting a car for $47 was another option, but one I was unwilling to take with self-professed map dementia, unfamiliar roads, a foreign country and no car seats.

It was my way of preserving my children’s lives.

Playa El Médona and My Baywatch Moment

People repeatedly recommended the very beach I wanted to avoid: El Médona. Sure, ithas a convenient location (just around the pier), a variety of restaurants and stellar views of Lands End but it’s also the crowded party beach.

In the end, the price was right. For $2/person, we rode in a glass-bottomed water taxi with a glass floor to our very own cut of paradise on Medona where we could rent boogie boards, jet skis, snorkel gear and anything our heart desired.

When we arrived at Medona, a cool Mexican dude offered us boogie boards but after taking one look at the relatively steep drop and undertow of the beach, turned him down. I did take him up on his offer to rent an umbrella for $10 for the day.

I didn’t tell him that I would have paid double that for shade.

Despite several annoyances that included locals toting their wares no less than every 30 seconds (not an exaggeration), we had a nice time. The temperatures were mild, Haddie got her hair braided by a local merchant and another made her a bracelet. The kids never tired of chasing the waves and it was a chaotic form of paradise.

After a couple of hours, I left to explore the shops along Marina Boulevard, the main artery that curves around the waterfront. When I came back, the tide was starting to come in and the waves looked more dangerous. Linda and I moved closer to the kids and not even two minutes after making this decision, Bode (who was body surfing) got caught in an undertow and gobbled by a following wave.

In a scene out of Baywatch, I surged forward into the water, surf splashing everywhere and snatched him from his death.

OK, more like instead of the sexy red bathing suit I was fully clothed after my walk and though scary, his situation was not life-and-death.

But for drama’s sake just work with me here.

That was our sign to call it a day. Despite our less-than-optimal beach conditions, we were reluctant to leave. As we rode our tender boat back to the cruise ship, sea lions and pelicans escorted us as a final, memorable farewell to glorious Cabo San Lucas.

Pirates IN the Caribbean Soiree

The “Pirate IN the Caribbean” deck party is the Disney Wonder’s most highly anticipated event. The evening starts with a pirate-themed dinner where everyone receives a pirate special bandanna and orders from a menu resembling the parchment of an age old treasure map. It ends with a buccaneer bash starring Mickey Mouse, games, a huge spread of food and the only fireworks display at sea.

Despite being worn out from our day at the beach, my kids insisted upon waiting up until 9:30 p.m. for the party. When we arrived, it was in full swing with interactive games on the big screen, a pirate-style line dance, black lighting, raucous music and Captain Hook.

Exhausted Bode and Linda bailed at 10 p.m. but Hadley was committed to wait up for the fireworks display and more importantly: the pirate-themed buffet at 10:30 p.m.Families huddled together in wonderment as the pirate pyrotechnics lit up the Mexican Riviera’s ebony sky. Haddie then raced over to score the very first spot in line for the buffet and indulged in treasures like The Black Pearls’ Beef Tenderloin and the Treasure Chest Meringue filled with tropical fruit, berries and vanilla sauce.

Because we hadn’t eaten enough food on the cruise already. But it was all worth the wait.

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If you missed it:

*It’s a Wonder Cruising with Disney: A Day-by-day Guide
*Day 0.5: If Getting There is Half the Fun Then I’m in Trouble
*Day 1: Kids Club, Sail Away Party and Fat Kitty Stowaway
*Day 2: Stateroom, Oceaneer Club, Pools, Entertainment & Pyrotechnics, Oh My!
*Day 3: Our Slacker Character Breakfast, Oceaneer Lab’s Little Red Hen and the Magic of Animator’s Palate
*Day 4: Puerto Vallarta, Boogie Boarding and Not-nude Beaches
*Days 5 & 6: Cabo, Lands End, A Brush with Death and a Newfound Love
*Day 7: Farewells & Our Favorite Moment of the Trip

Filed Under: Disney, Family travel, Humor, travel Tagged With: Disney Cruise

Disney Wonder Day 4: Puerto Vallarta, Boogie Boarding and Not-nude Beaches

May 5, 2011 By Amber

I am not a beach person.

It’s complicated. I love the ocean but don’t care for the sand and heat that are often associated with it.

And so why would a non-beach person submit herself to the beach on a regular basis? Because I want my kids to love the ocean and there is just something special about a tropical vacation. This was reconfirmed in Puerto Vallarta.

Shore Excursions

Name a popular destination and Disney Cruise Lines probably sails there. From the Disney Magic‘s 7-night Mediterranean itinerary out of Barcelona to the Disney Wonder’s 7-night Alaskan cruise. The brand spankin’ new Disney Dream launched this year out of Port Canaveral to Bahamian ports and the Disney Fantasy will be unveiled in 2012.

Yes, please to all of the above.

Choosing a cruise itinerary and then shore excursion is always tough for me to. Fortunately, I had never been to the ports offered on the Disney Wonder‘s Mexican Riviera–Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas. Options were narrowed down even more when Mazatlan was yanked from the itinerary due to dangerous travel conditions. We instead stayed in glorious Cabo for two days instead of one.

Talk about a sacrifice.

Disney Cruise Line makes it easy to find age-appropriate shore excursions at their Web site where you simply click on your port, age range, activity level (active, moderate or mild) and type of activity (i.e. nature, teen or family adventures). I found the perfect activity: Dolphin Kids where my kids would get some one-on-one time with Flipper.

Only it wasn’t perfect, it was full so be sure to book early. We instead opted for the Paradise Beach Adventure at Paradise Village Beach Resort (adults $69, kids $34).

Puerto Vallarta’s Paradise Beach Adventure

It was not love at first sight when I gazed upon Puerto Vallarta from our stateroom’s balcony. The city boasts a 40-kilometer Shangri-la of rivers, mountains, coastline and beaches but even that can’t make up for first impressions: the Disney Wonder was parked a stone’s throw away from Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club.

Not quite the exotic Mexican destination I envisioned.

Fortunately, my disappointment was salvaged with our Paradise Beach Adventure. About 300 fellow Disney cruises were shuttled 20 minutes away to Paradise Village Beach Resort, a veritable beach-front oasis with Mayan architecture. We snagged some chairs in front of one of the two spectacular lagoon pools with waterfalls, reptilian water slides, a rope-swing bridge and rocky underwater grottoes.

For the first time on our cruise, I had my relaxing pool experience and the kids had the time of their lives.

Part of our package was a delicious buffet lunch consisting of local favorites such as papaya and Mexican beef. But the true highlight was when we hit the adjacent beach, Nuevo Vallarta. The water is not the azure-blue you’ll find in Cancun, nor was it particularly warm but it was gloriously devoid of people because most opted to stay in the shade.

We showed our ship I.D. at a rental hut and were able to check out some sand buckets for free. I also grabbed some boogie boards because I had a stroke of genius to give Haddie a tutorial.

This can also be referred to as the blind leading the blind: I can’t recall ever boogie boarding.

My adept swimmer took quickly to it but it was Bode who shocked me the most. Here’s a bit of background on him: He has flunked his entry-level Minnows swimming class two times because he refuses to dunk his head. I wasn’t even planning to put him on the board but after a few minutes, he nonchalantly said he wanted to try…and was hooked. “I WUV it,” he squealed as he shot through the surf, droplets spraying in his face.

I didn’t bother to tell him this actually counted as getting his face wet.

I had to drag him out at the end of the day and prior to heading back to the pool, we hit the open-air showers next to the beach. As I hosed the sand off Haddie, I was shocked to turn and see Bode had completely stripped down.

“Bode, put your swim suit back on! The Paradise Beach Adventure is not that kind of a beach.”

But it sure was a fun one.

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