Oh Canada (and Boy Scouts of America)

December 3, 2014 By

At church, we are given “callings” to fulfill. For the past couple of years, I’ve been the pianist in Primary (our kid’s organization), working in public affairs with community leaders and also the volleyball coach for our young women.

Those were all fine and dandy but now I have been asked to serve in a new position that I’m really excited about: as the Cub Scout Leader for the “Bear” den (9-year-old boys). Many of them are Bode’s friends and he himself will join us when he turns 9 in July.  These boys are your typical silly pre-teens but they are smart.  I went in there thinking about how much wisdom I had to impart upon their impressionable minds but they put me in my place during our first first Den meeting when we learned about energy. When my co-leader Sarah asked them if they could list any energy types, they shouted out kinetic, chemical, wind, gravitational potential, electrical, sound, heat or thermal energy. Oh, and you can’t forget about electromagnetic.

These are 9-year-old child geniuses.

As we were beginning our meeting, I explained to them that I am Canadian and therefore do not salute or pledge the American flag. You’d have thought I had two heads because they looked at me like I was a freak-of-nature as they recited everything.

Later, Alex pulled me aside. “Next time, I might bring a Canadian flag for you to salute.”

Smart, and thoughtful, too.

These boys are gonna be one fun, wild ride.

Filed Under: Canada, Humor, LDS

Like a Fat Cat Up a Christmas Tree

December 1, 2014 By

My mom asked if we ever have problems with Fat Kitty climbing our Christmas tree.

I asked if she’d ever actually SEEN Fat Kitty.

Filed Under: Humor

How the Johnsons do gratitude

November 27, 2014 By

I’ll admit it: Our house is 90 percent decorated for Christmas. The reason is, in part, that we already celebrated Thanksgiving and will be hitting the slopes today. And the other reason is the American invention “not until after Thanksgiving” drives me bonkers when the rest of the Christian world is already celebrating. Ever wonder why Christmas is so stressful? Because in the U.S., we have only three weeks to cram in parties, shopping, sales and recitals.

Plus, if I go through all the effort to decorate my house for Christmas, you’d better believe I want to keep it up for a while.

Jamie (being American) falls into his people’s mentality but greater love hath no man than he who surprises his Canadian wife by putting up the lights early.

Bonus: He did not fall off the roof and die.

We had our good friends over for Family Home Evening and I asked my friend Jennie to prepare a short lesson on Thanksmas (a cross between Thanksgiving and Christmas). She did a great job and started out the lesson by asking us what each of us is grateful for.

“I’m grateful for Fat Kitty.” -Bode

“You stole my answer! I’m grateful for Fat Kitty.” -Hadley

“I’m grateful for Amber.” -Jamie, my sweet husband, setting it up perfectly for me to reciprocate his profession of gratitude.

“I’m grateful for Fat Kitty.” -Rude Wife

“Can I change my answer?” -Jamie

Filed Under: Family, holidays, Humor

How (not) to compliment a woman

November 25, 2014 By

Sure, I enjoy occasionally getting gussied up but the majority of the time, this tomboy prefers to be low-maintenance.

Last week with my mom in town, I had a lesson in high-maintenance. Not only does she put on her make-up the moment she wakes up, she is always dressed to the nines. Despite the fact she has trouble walking, we shopped non-stop all week…until I could barely walk.

Mom gets her hair done weekly and I knew she’d feel much better if we went to the salon (my visits are, shall we say, not as regular). After my haircut, I told the stylist to blow my hair out straight for something different.

Lo, I didn’t know it would get such a reaction. As we were driving home, Mom commented, “Jamie is going to love it!”

“No, he won’t. When we were first married, he said he would never ever comment on my hair or a new cut. It’s his way of saving himself from being an unobservant husband.”

True to form, he didn’t say a word. When I called him out on it, his defense, “Oh, I noticed but remember my promise to you?”

When I picked Bode up from school, I had forgotten all about my hair. I saw him pause at the doorway before racing over to me and demanding, “Why do you look like that?”

Followed by: “Seriously, WHAT HAPPENED?”

Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut like his father.

Then, we had Hadley’s carpool friends. When I walked up to them, Hadley shouted, “WOWOWOOWOW,” followed by these comments from the peanut gallery.

“It looks so much better.” -Bryan

“Keep it like that.” -Morgan.”

“No, go back to being fuzzy.” -Hadley

Maybe I’ll just shave my hair to spare myself the drama next time.

 

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, Humor

An Early Thanksgiving of Spoons, Scum and Pumpkin Dictators

November 18, 2014 By

Since my parents are in town and we’re all heading different directions for Thanksgiving, we opted to do a premature Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday. I’m not a huge fan of the traditional meal but I figure I can suck it up once a year.

Plus, we added some really delicious offerings to our feast: smoked turkey and gravy, spiced cranberry and pear chutney, orange rolls, Jello-fruit salad, homemade apple and pumpkin pies, garlic mashed potatoes and my new favorite: Kelsey Nixon’s Sausage, Apple and Pear Stuffing with Cranberries.

Sorry, Jamie. Your jalapeno stuffing has been R-E-P-L-A-C-E-D.

Highlight: Dinner was, indeed served when the smoke alarm went off. No, nothing was burned but the timing was impeccable.

I blame it on all those turkey drippings.

We also introduced Jamie’s brother and sister to our Borowski family traditions of Spoons and Scum, which is notoriously competitive and borderline violine.

There were tears–like when Jamie wrestled his own son to the ground as they fought over a spoon.

There was stealing as I swooped in and triumphantly grabbed all the spoons, only to drop them back on the table as they dove in like a littler of ravenous puppies.

There were unbenevolent dictators, like when Jamie was the “King” in Scum and made the rule that anytime someone played a 6, they needed to proclaim “I love pumpkins.”

We all groaned as we collected our cards and I realized I didn’t have even one 6 in my hand.

It was like God was watching out for me that day.

Filed Under: Family, holidays, Humor, pumpkins

A new dirty job for Mike Rowe and a disgusting pumpkin farewell

November 12, 2014 By

Whenever people see the Giant Pumpkin for the first time, they ask three questions:

“Is that thing real?”
Yep.

“How many pumpkin pies does it make?”
Dumb question. Next.

“What do you do with it?”
It sits on our driveway until Halloween and rots.

It’s not a pretty answer but it’s the truth.

The Saturday after Halloween, the Great Pumpkin had its final heyday as it was asked to be the guest of honor at Bode’s school’s pumpkin splat. The pumpkins are too big for the firetruck’s crane to lift but this year, kids loved climbing inside of the 1,292-pounder.

A free-falling pumpkin. Picture taken from by a firefighter on top of the crane

The event was a lot of fun and Jamie’s efforts were rewarded when the PTA sent him home with two leftover pizzas and a box of Dunkin’ Donuts. #WillGrowPumpkinsForFood

The only problem was after having so many kids inside the pumpkin, the bottom grew really soft and started rotting quickly. No problem! We’d cut it up and dispose of it right away.

But remember Jamie’s injuries after jumping out of the pumpkin all night?

He was hurting for days. And then it rained and we didn’t cover the pumpkin in time so it was a big mess.

Enter: Friday night. It was now then or never.

I’ve done a lot of things no woman should ever have to do with a pumpkin and that night was no exception. Jamie usually cuts them up himself but Bode, Hadley and I were recruited to help cut it up and load it into a dumpster.

At first, it my dream come true! The Pumpkin Widow was finally the lead singer in SMASHING PUMPKINS and I let out my years of pent-up frustration!

And then my dream became a nightmare. Once we finally cracked both pumpkins open with our shovels, the big one was a disgusting. We fastidiously cut off chunk after chunk.

And the bottom was a big, wet, gloopy rotting mess. At one point, I carved my shovel into the base and was rewarded with a fresh spray of pumpkin rot all down the front of me.

Add that to the list of things a Pumpkin Widow should never have to do.

 

Filed Under: Humor, pumpkins Tagged With:

Halloween in Denver and the skeleton’s slow, painful death

November 5, 2014 By

I shudder to think of the day when these kids of mine are too big to enjoy Halloween’s revelries. Then again, I’m practically ancient and whenever October rolls around, I’m like a kid again.

With gorgeous weather and many adventures, we had an absolute blast this October.

We had a “ball” at Heritage Square’s “Bootown.”


The zipline was fun but the kids deemed their new Rocky Mountain Ropes Course not-so fun.

American Ninja Warrior contenders they are not.

We spent an entire day at Elitch Gardens’ Fright Fest and took both kids to the scary haunted houses for the first time.

Fun fact from their marketing department: At least one creepy zombie “actor” gets punched every day from freaked-out patrons.

My good friend Jennie and her husband have been staying with us as they finalize their move to Colorado. Not only did they help us with the Giant Gourd of Horror as Jamie scared trick-or-treaters all night, Jennie did a bang-up job on Bode’s skeleton make-up. He was delighted no one recognized him!

Hadley went as the White Lady from The Hobbit and the kids had a blast hanging out with friends.

 

My favorite moment of the night (apart from The Pumpkin Man traumatizing the neighbors) was during the parade. Our neighborhood fire station generously hosts a party with loads of treas and a fire-truck-led parade.  Last year, Bode raced off with his friends but found himself alone at the end of it.

The kid has serious abandonment issues so you can imagine how well that turned out despite the fact he easily found his way home.

This year, I cautioned him to stay close to us but despite our best attempts, we couldn’t track down any of his buddies.

Enter: Witch Ashlee. I suspect she has had a crush on Bode since kindergarten because she positively melts when he’s around. She glommed onto him during the parade and would not let him leave her side.

I could tell he was dying inside to be walking next to a girl during the parade but being the nice guy that he is, he didn’t ditch her. I knew the moment that parade was over, he’d be outta there like a skeleton out of the closet.

As we were parting, Ashlee took a bold approach. Instead of going to Bode (which would have resulted in a blatant rejection), she very sweetly asked ME if he wanted to go trick-or-treating with her.

I gently turned her down by saying he’d rather die a slow, painful death he was already going with his friends.

But you’d better believe when he’s 16, I won’t be so nice.

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, holidays, Humor, pumpkins

The giant gourd of horror (and why our neighbors will never trust us again)

November 3, 2014 By

Our evil plan was hatched quite by accident. TaRhonda Thomas, a 9News reporter, interviewed my husband Jamie a.k.a. The Pumpkin Man last week. As a fun kicker to the end of the story, she decided to climb inside the 1,292-pound beast.

TaRhonda Thomas

TaRhonda Thomas

Though Jamie has been growing giant pumpkins for years, it’s the first time anyone ever climbed into it and Jamie shared an idea with me. “I could do that.” “What? Climb into the pumpkin in high heels?” “No, I could hide inside the pumpkin and scare people on Halloween.” When you grow The Giant Pumpkin, your house becomes a popular stop on Halloween but I was doubtful about turning it into a Little Shop of Horrors Giant Gourd of Horrors.

Undeterred, Jamie made assignments. My role was the cannibalistic witch in Hansel and Gretel as I lured our innocent victims with “do you want a picture with the pumpkin?” We recruited our friend Jared as the photographer while his wife Jenny handed out candy and gave the cue for Jamie to jump out.

The result? Hilarious.

We tried to pick on people we knew or older kids. What surprised me was just how many non-reactions there were because I can assure you I would have raced down the block kicking and screaming if he’d have jumped out at me. I mean, just look at the creeper posed inside the pumpkin prepared to launch.

Inside the pumpkin

Inside the pumpkin

pumpkinman2 Only the best reactions made it onto video so be sure to take a minute and watch it below or here:

The bunny and the man at the end were my favorites. :-) Many adults told us it was the highlight of the night and we had only one child who cried but his parents assured us little “Spider-Man” would recover quickly. He is, after all, a superhero. The next day, Jamie was not only sore from crouching down all night but badly bruised from jumping out. bruised But it was worth it and he brushed it off as “The sacrifices I make for my art.” If jumping out of a giant pumpkin is art, The Pumpkin Man is, indeed, an artist.

Filed Under: Humor, pumpkins

Happy Halloween From, The Great Pumpkin

October 31, 2014 By

Last week, TaRhonda Thomas from 9News asked me if I’d be interested in doing a segment on fun, easy treats for Halloween.

Fun? Easy?  Are there any better words to describe me?

The problem was Bode’s school Halloween party was around that same time so I initially turned it down but then remembered I’m pretty much the Queen of Halloween and how could I miss such an opportunity?

I decided I could arrive late for Bode’s class party but proposed to 9News that maybe we could just tape the segment earlier in the week and I could bring the giant pumpkins as backdrop so I wouldn’t have to miss it at all.  They didn’t go for that so I’m still going into the studio Halloween morning before racing back to Bode.

HOWEVER–they also loved the giant pumpkin idea so TaRhonda asked if she and photojournalist Chris could come to the house on Tuesday. The Great Pumpkin is always open to publicity and I assumed they’d do a quick interview with Jamie and be done with it. I was still in my workout clothes when they arrived as I had no plans to take part but before I knew it (1.5 hours later), they pulled both of us together for some hilarious scenarios that I think will make for a really fun pumpkin piece.

Cutting open the Great Pumpkin

Or it will be utterly humiliating. But that wouldn’t be the first time. (See: NBC’s The Marriage Ref).

Filed Under: 9News, Humor, pumpkins

Going “professional” at the Arvada Scarecrow Festival

October 23, 2014 By

If the giant pumpkin growers were poorly received at the Jared’s Nursery weigh-off, they were treated like royalty at the Arvada Scarecrow Festival. Jamie’s buddy Joe grew the biggest pumpkin in Colorado this year (1,292 pounds) and instead of putting it on display after the weigh-off, he merely cuts it up. I asked his wife if they could donate the pumpkin for a great cause (us!) and they were kind to give us their pumpkin.

When we arrived at the festival, we were literally mobbed and two hours later, were barely able to pull away because so many people were taking pictures. Now I know what the Beatles felt like.

Just imagine how much more popular they would have been if they grew giant pumpkins.

Side note: I just realized as I posted this picture that someone put their dog to pose with Lucille the giant pumpkin. Just when I thought I had seen everything.

Hadley was still feeling crummy from pneumonia so laid low. Bode, on the other hand? He was a Proud Pumpkin Papa.
As I was was tending to Hadley’s needs, I looked up to see Bode mingling with the crowd answering questions about his pumpkin.

I should probably start calling him Pumpkin Man Jr. (apologies to his future wife).

Hadley and Bode won the children’s division and I was thrilled to see a kid from our neighborhood grinning ear-to-ear about his pumpkin. I’d talked to him a few weeks prior and encouraged him to enter and was so glad to see him there!

The children’s competition (neighbor on the left)

Despite the fact that “Lucille” stopping growing mid-August when he cut her off the vine, Jamie still won the adult division and is always awesome with giving advice, encouragement and seeds to aspiring pumpkin growers.

We had a great time at our hometown festival but I had to chuckle at the end. Hadley, Bode and Jamie had the three biggest pumpkins at the weigh-off, causing a disgruntled member of the Arvada Gardners to mutter that “they should have their own professional division.”

Please shoot me if they ever go “professional.”

See the write-up about the competition: Giant pumpkins rule in Olde Town Arvada.

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, Humor, Jamie, pumpkins
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