Why Siri is my soulmate and my children are savages

February 5, 2015 By

The Compromisers

Every New Year, our church schedule changes from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. For most people, 11 a.m. is the most optimal time to give you extra time in the mornings. I was particularly looking forward to the change this year because it will still give us time to drive back from the mountains and make it to church on weekends we’re away.

I was recently reminded that all that extra time lends itself to mischief.

It started out innocently, as it always does. Jamie’s and my king-sized bed is a central place in mornings and evenings. Somehow, we all congregate here to snuggle up, read, watch TV and just hang out. On Sunday, we were playing around on my iPhone and we had a blast looking at their technologically outdated websites Jamie made announcing their birth, which I haven’t seen in years (Hadley’s and Bode’s).

That led them to asking about milestones in their lives like the first day of kindergarten, birthdays, etc. and it was so fun to glean the archives in my blog. It made me so grateful I’ve kept a record of all these memories and reminded me I need to bite the $$$ bullet and get my blog printed into a book for our own family history.

Then they started getting bored and who better to entertain you than Siri on the iPhone? We learned some interesting facts about her animal preference:

Ummm, OK.

Here’s the thing about Siri: I’ve trained her well. Not only does she talk to me in an Australian accent but she calls me “Queen Mother.”

The kids have a whole string of funny nicknames and songs they’ve made up–most recently they’ve been calling me “Muzzy, Muz, Muzzy Boo.” That would have been swell if they’d programmed Siri to call me that but it was worse. Much worse. Poor Siri had been compromised and all I could do was sit back and watch. Deeply dismayed, I finally rescued Siri and told her “Don’t let my children play with my phone.”

She responded with a web search for “Raising Savages.”

It’s like she totally gets me.

Filed Under: Humor, LDS

My stint as a Los Angeles Lakers Cheerleader

January 28, 2015 By

I was recently cleaning out our crawl space when I happened upon a blast from my past in one of my storage containers.  Sports Illustrated May 6, 1996, to be exact.

I was at BYU and my good friend Robert (married to my bestie Lori) commented, “I saw an LA Lakers cheerleader in Sports Illustrated who looks just like you.”

I laughed him off.  Thanks, Robert. Very flattering but like that could ever happen.

Until he showed me the picture.

There, I was: My face, my unruly strawberry-blonde hair–all plopped on top of the body of a hot Laker Girls cheerleader.

Let’s zoom in on that a little bit, shall we?

Let’s just excuse the fact that my Sports Illustrated moment of fame is whilst appearing between the legs of L.A. guard Nick Van Exel.

Filed Under: Humor

Ying and Yang Do Homework

January 27, 2015 By

One of my recent Facebook posts:

“Fact: I hate homework and school waaaay more now than I ever did as a kid.”

True story and we’re not even at the really tough school years yet. My personal opinion is it’s ridiculous to force a kid to sit through seven hours of school, only to require them to do several more when they get home. What happened to kids being kids?

I’d be an advocate for unschooling if I wasn’t so darn freaked out they’d end up illiterate and would limit my kids’ options for college and beyond.

Homeschooling is out of the question. I’m barely surviving an hour of homework.

And so here we are enduring the endless, uninspired barrage of worksheets.

Hadley does everything she can to procrastinate them as long as possible and I can hardly blame her for avoiding such drudgery.

But Bode is wired differently and tries to get them out of the way ASAP. He wisely sees them as a means to an end and that end is a glorious world where he has no homework.

Halfway through a recent session, I brought out some popcorn. The three of us took a 10 minute break to stuff our faces. Hadley was hoping I’d forget about the “H” word and took her sweet time.

Bode, on the other hand, pulled me aside and whispered, “You need to take the popcorn away. It is keeping us from staying on task.”

At least someone is here to whip the rest of us into shape.

 

 

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, Humor

It ain’t over ’til it’s…wait. It’s never over.

January 22, 2015 By

Lest you think giant pumpkin growing season is over, you would be wrong. Jamie still gazes longingly at the pumpkin patch, obsesses about which seeds to grow and what names he’ll give his pumpkins.

I can guarantee he never put as much thought into naming our children.

Side note: Once upon a time, I had a co-worker with the two most darling kids named Hadley and Geoffry (Geo for short). I decided then and there I would swipe those names and informed Jamie of that fact shortly after we were married. His response:

“I’m fine with Hadley but no son of mine is being named after a crap car.”

OK, then.

(See how Bode got his name here).

Several months ago, I was bombarded with emails and Facebook alerts from friends informing me that Rise of the Giants, a feature documentary following the 2013 race to grow the world’s largest pumpkin, was being released in Utah. I’m sure Jamie had dreams of seeing it but alas, the movie commute was a bit long.

Enter last week: I heard his “whoop!” of delight as he raced in from the mailbox to show me this DVD that had arrived in the mail:

We’ll just call it “How the Pumpkin Man Survives the Off-season.”

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

Who has it better or worse?

January 20, 2015 By

One morning, we were all snuggling in bed. After Jamie left, Hadley assumed his position and announced “I am Dad!” After a funny role play, I ask the kids, in all seriousness, which was better: being a boy or a girl?

My kids make me laugh every single day. Their responses were a cut out of our family life.

Hadley: “Being a girl is SO. MUCH. BETTER.”

Bode: “Oh yeah, well you have to give birth.”

Hadley: “Oh yeah, well you have to work on the computer all day while I go have adventures with the children.”

Bode: “If I didn’t work you wouldn’t have a house over your head.”

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, Humor

Holiday Happenings: In Pictures

January 14, 2015 By

I know we’re well into January but I realized I barely touched upon the holidays. I had my doubts about staying in Denver but we ended up having the perfect mix of playtime and downtime. Here are a few of my favorite things:

The kids’ piano recital. Hadley played “Away in a Manger” while Bode Rocked around the Christmas Tree. As usual, Hadley made me pray for a Christmas miracle because she could barely make it through the song during practice but it finally clicked a few days prior and they both did great!

My solo afterward was the hallelujah shout.

Our ward party is always a blast filled with awesome friends, delicious food, Santa and a live band that featured…Elvis?

Who says Mormons don’t know how to party?!!!!

One night, we opted to watch The Hobbit downtown so we could see the Christmas lights and stroll through the charming Denver Christkindl Market.

Christkindl Photobomb!

I thought the STIHL-sponsored photobooth with the chainsaw cutting off Bode’s head was a particularly nice touch.

We also discovered quite possibly the best present ever: The “NO” pen. Click the link below for our quick video to watch my demonstration.

IMG_5111

It has since gone missing. I suspect The Children may have had something to do with it.

I had a blast appearing on 9News’ ugly sweater segment.

And an even bigger blast when about 50 friends showed up for our sledding party!

On another day, we skated Evergreen Lake, followed by Country Road Cafe.

We did a lot of baking and played a lot of games…

Making cinnamon rolls

…in our PJs.

We made a point to do some service and volunteered at the Santa House to distribute gifts to low-income kiddos. My good friend Sam was about 45 weeks pregnant so we invited her three young kids over for the afternoon for “Elf Camp” with games and snacks. Hadley and her friend Alex were the entertainment committee and they did marvelously…until it came time to change Zoe’s diaper. It would appear we have some work to do before they’re ready to start babysitting.

Though New Year’s Eve day was a bust with our ski trip,we had a fun New Year’s Eve ringing in 2015 with our friends, the Carrolls.

Though they may not say the same thing.

I’ll likely be banned from bringing silly string in the future.

On New Year’s Day, we were invited over to the Huntleys for a PJ/Ebelskiver party!
We didn’t even bother getting dressed for our fondue dinner that night. Things got a bit blurry…


Because of this wild ‘n crazy Martinelli’s kid.

But nothing says Welcome to 2015 quite like lazy gluttony.

It’s gonna be a good year.

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, holidays, Humor

When the children become the mother

January 8, 2015 By

Sometimes I really wonder if I’m getting through to my kids. Will they remember to say please and thank you? Are they learning to work hard? Are they grateful?

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve seen visions of myself through my children.

I am anti-procrastination and if there’s a project, I get it done right away so it’s not hanging over my head. When I do laundry, I do everything–washing, drying, folding, putting away–on the same day. I try to respond to emails within an hour of receiving them (you people who rarely check their inbox drive. Me. Nuts). And when I have a writing project, I always finish well before the deadline.

Bode had a project at school that was due mid-December. In essence, they were creating a mini-marketplace where they had to create at least 15 items to buy and sell with fake money. His teacher notified us a few weeks ago but in a rare move, I put it on the backburner because I assumed she would mention it again before the due date. She didn’t and I forgot about it.

So, Bode came home from school freaking out, “My project is due tomorrow, we have to get it done!”

He decided to make little monster page corner bookmarks like these. Fortunately, the only crafty one in the family was home sick from school that day so Hadley valiantly volunteered to cut out the paper triangles and once Bode got home from school, he could tape everything together and draw faces on them. The problem was she wasn’t feeling well (remember the sick thing?) so after about an hour, she brought them into the office for me to finish.

Here’s the thing the kids don’t understand about parents who work from home: we actually work. I was in the middle of finalizing some projects so told her I’d try to finish them off but never got to them. So Bode arrived home, finished his homework and after dinner I announced we’d start on the project. I began cutting out the triangles but we were way behind and Hadley let me know it. Over and over and over again.

“Well, if MOM did what I asked her to we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“Don’t ask me what MOM was doing all day. I told her to take of this.”

It was like she was looking through a magnifying glass and seeing my life with them every single day.

The roles were reserved the week before that. Hadley had her final volleyball game while Bode and I had Cub Scouts. We arrived home about 20 minutes earlier so I had Bode help me with a quick dinner. He grilled the sandwiches, warmed the ravioli and apparently it was a lot of work . Because the moment Hadley and Jamie walked in the door, he exasperatingly announced:

“I’ve been cooking for you people and the least you can do is set the table.”

They’re gonna be the best moms ever.

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, Humor

Mastering reading but not quite a master

January 7, 2015 By

We’ve had our share of ups and downs with Hadley’s teacher this year but we’re hopeful 2015 will be on the upswing.

She has made some real advances lately. An area she has vastly improved upon is reading, which tickles me to no end. When she missed those weeks of school due to pneumonia, she made a concerted effort to read their classroom book The Hobbit and was delighted when she was able to stay ahead of the class.

On the last day of school before Christmas break, she brought home her report card and it was one of her best ever. They are graded on a scale of 1 to 4. A 1 means beginning, 2 means approaching grade level, 3 means proficient/grade-level mastery and a 4 means advanced/exceeds expectations.

“Mom, I got a 4 in reading!”

“Really? For what?”

“I got a 4 in reading com…compru…compre…I don’t know what this says.”

I looked at the report card. “It stays ‘reading comprehension,’ Hadley.”

“Oh. Reading comprehension. What does that mean?”

“It means you understand what you’re reading.”

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

A sledding party!

December 31, 2014 By

On Christmas, we received a glorious dump of snow. That night, I emailed a bunch of friends from church to see who wanted to go sledding the next day and almost all of them came–40+ people. Chalk that up to how you know you have the coolest friends ever!

My friend Eva suggested we sled at the hill behind her school, which was perfect because we had it entirely to ourselves.  I brought hot chocolate to warm everyone up and we played for hours.

Bode photobombing the Phillips

Snowman photobomb

Sledding train!

The lowlight: Some of the dads were egging me on to tube down the hill at warp speeds. It was early in the day so the fluffy snow was not yet compacted. I took a running leap onto the tube, it completely stuck to the snow while I flew forward, face-planting in the powder. Jon took a picture and after years to exploiting everyone else’s humiliations, I totally deserved it.

The highlight: Earlier that day when I crawled up the ladder in our garage to retrieve our sled from the overhead storage, I asked Bode if he’d catch me if I fell.

“No way, Mom. You weigh like 100 pounds!”

Filed Under: Bode, Colorado, Hadley, Humor, LDS, outdoors

A Tenderloin Meltdowning, Mexican-Denver Christmas

December 30, 2014 By

Christmas day was one of our most low-key ever. We had planned a huge spread of food with Jamie’s brother and sister but a couple of days prior, they contracted the stomach flu. I received the news shortly after I splurged and bought a $100 beef tenderloin.

Two words: all mine.

Since we weren’t having guests, didn’t need to be anywhere and it started snowing later in the day, we opted to stay in our PJs. Side note: When you declare it a PJ Christmas, it sounds official vs. not getting dressed is just plain lazy.

Though our Santa hats said “naughty” on one side and “nice” on the other, this is what we both insisted upon.

Rather telling, wouldn’t you agree?

Our kids are at funny ages with Christmas. Hadley no longer believes but still loves the magic of it all. Bode is in denial and I’m not ready to burst his bubble. Neither of them could think of anything they wanted for Christmas. Their big gift was the trampoline we bought a few weeks ago and on Christmas day, they got archery sets, clothes, games and movies with the big reveal at the end.

Jamie’s favorite present from Fat Kitty: “How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You”

A couple of weeks ago, Southwest Vacations reached out and asked me if I’d like to go to Mexico. The email was originally sent to spam because really, who gets offered trips to Mexico? But, it was legit and we’ve been working out the details for a quick three-night trip to Cancun in January.

Jamie typed up a big reveal and put it in a manilla envelope on the tree. The kids discovered it at the end and the suspense would have been perfect if they had been able to read the cursive handwriting he used.

Note to self: Don’t use the fancy, illegible font.

The Mexico “Big Reveal”

Regardless, everyone is is so grateful for the opportunity and downright ecstatic. The kids have never been to Cancun so it will be a wonderful getaway.

The rest of the day, we watched our new movies Maleficent (loved) and Guardians of the Galaxy (hated), the kids played more video games than I preferred, we ate a lot of treats, had some cutthroat games of Pit and tested out Jamie’s new ebeskiver (Danish pancakes) pan, his gift from the kids.

I just love gifts that keep on giving.

For dinner, my magnificent tenderloin almost resulted in my nervous breakdown. Jamie was grilling the $100 hunk ‘o beef when he came inside.

“Bad news.”

“WHAT?!”

“Our propane tank is empty.”

Don’t ask me how that happened because I always have one as a back-up. As my veins started bulging out of my head, I realized that I am like The Old Man on “A Christmas Story.” Remember his obsession with the holiday turkey? That is me with my grilled tenderloin.

Jamie roasted it in the oven and, though it wasn’t was succulent as grilled, it was still delicious.

Thanks heavens we didn’t have to resort to the local Chinese restaurant.

Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Family, holidays, Humor
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