The egg: “Nature’s Miracle Food” as the recent ad campaign touts. Whatever. More like “My Nightmare Food.” Now, don’t get me wrong. Even though I’m not a huge fan of them, I don’t secretly plot the demise of eggs in my spare time. I just never realized how controversial they are.
Let me explain. Everyone at church has some sort of “calling,” whether it be teaching Sunday School, working with the youth, children, etc. My calling is “Party Princess Extraordinaire.” OK, maybe that’s not exactly my real title but it definitely sounds better than “Ward Activities Chairperson.” Essentially, I’m in charge of throwing parties. Big ones for the entire congregation.
You would think this is right up my alley because as a publicist, I made a career out of it for years. I relished in the stresses of managing huge city-wide celebrations and handled any glitches like a pro. Because, after all, Murphy’s Law is also My Law.
That said, why the CRAP can I not manage an 80-year-old woman and an equally difficult woman who push me around? Y’see, I’m planning a Labor Day breakfast at church, complete with pancakes, sausage, fruit and juice. My budget is limited so I had to resort to sign-ups. My committee is unfortunately even more limited.
And so I’ve planned and implemented it all on my own and presented it to Said Committee.
“I don’t hear eggs on that menu,” complained Said 80-Year-Old Woman. “We have to have eggs.”
“No can do,” I said. “We can’t cook in the church because of food violations and they would be a logistical nightmare on a griddle outside. We’re not doing eggs.”
Welp, word gets around. Because a free breakfast without eggs would be equal unto The Unpardonable Sin, I guess. I was confronted at church an hour later by another woman.
“I hear you’re not having eggs at the breakfast.”
“You heard correctly.”
“You have to have eggs.”
“No, I don’t and no, I won’t.”
“Well, I’ll just have to bring my own and then everyone will wonder where I got mine and they’ll be mad they don’t get any.”
“That sounds like a great idea.”
I thought that was the end of it. Until Said 80-Year-Old Woman called later in the week to report her reminder follow-up calls for the food.
“Oh, and The Other Woman and I are bringing a crockpot of scrambled eggs. I’ve also asked the Smiths to bring some as well.”
An egg conspiracy? In my committee? I could have ranted, I could have raved, I could have retorted that THERE WILL BE NO EGGS AT MY BREAKFAST.
But I have a better plan. There will be eggs at my breakfast. “Nature’s Miracle Food” will just somehow find its way onto the exterior of certain people’s cars.
Because what would be a Labor Day breakfast without it?….
I'm a Canadian-born mom of two, former Denver Post columnist, family travel writer, editor of MileHighMamas.com and 9News contributor. Expert on all things Utah, Denver, family and travel. Lover of laughter and life. Happily married to a man obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin. 