My domestic prowess has been put into question lately. Even though I will not go anywhere near a sewing machine or ironing board, I excel in the kitchen.
Usually.
Ask Amber How to Burn Noodles
I am glad you asked this question because it is very rare that one is able to accomplish such a feat using only spaghetti noodles and water.
The process: have a dinner party with only 15 minutes to cook four large packages of noodles. Grab a large sauce pan, fill with water, heat to boiling and then cram all the noodles inside the pan. Leave the noodles to hurriedly prepare your family for the party. Make sure not to stir them even once. Return 10 minutes later to find the noodles clumped together, stuck to the bottom of the pan.
Voila, burnt noodles!
Editor’s Note: Also make sure you leave the pan soaking in the sink for a minimum of two weeks, hoping the stubborn spots will mysteriously disappear. Or just secretly hope your husband will take care of it.
Editor’s Note No. 2: He won’t.
Ask Amber How to Destroy Your Ice Maker
This one is tricky and the key is not to learn from your mistakes the first time. Ensure you have some kind of event for which you will need quick access to something on top of the refrigerator. Our event was Halloween and our “somethings” were black nail polish and lipstick for my daughter’s witch costume.
Make sure you are too lazy to return the somethings to their correct home after the event. Then, when the lipstick falls off the fridge into the ice machine and comes out in cute little back cubes, ensure your in-laws are visiting so as to showcase your domesticity. Or stupidity. You decide.
Do not learn from this mistake. Mourn the demise of the lipstick but keep the nail polish on top of the fridge and wait for its inevitable demise. Because it will happen. And when it does, your Spidey senses will be tingling just like the magnanimous black goop that infiltrated everything in Spider-Man 3.
Editor’s note: I know this is “Ask Amber” but now I am asking you how to get the nail polish off? I just hope this does not destroy my street cred….
Ask Amber How to Keep Your Fridge Smelling Clean
Me: The fridge smells really bad. I think I’ll get one of those Arm & Hammer boxes next time I’m at the store.
Hubby: Y’know, you could try cleaning it.
[Long pause of consideration]
Me: Naw. I think I’ll just stick to the baking soda, thanks.
I'm a Canadian-born mom of two, former Denver Post columnist, family travel writer, editor of MileHighMamas.com and 9News contributor. Expert on all things Utah, Denver, family and travel. Lover of laughter and life. Happily married to a man obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin. 